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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Movie Goer's Guide to Your Fellow Movie Goers 

If you're reading this blog, chances are you see movies on a regular basis, have at least been to a movie theater at least once in your life, or in any case you hit "next blog" on the top bar there. Or you're one of the legions of people searching for "funny drink names" on Google, which comprise roughly 98.7% of my hits. (Hi, by the way! "Raging Lesbian Orgy" and "Scorching Case of Herpes" are trademarks of my former roommate Jeff Llewellyn, amateur bartender.)

That being the case, I felt it might be useful to post a guide to what you can expect from your fellow homo sapiens at the average movie theater complex. Think of it as a bestiary if that helps. Listed below are some common archetypes you're likely to encounter and possible motivations for their actions. I've done this sort of thing before, but I felt I should update the material and perhaps remove the suggested acts of violence. Assistance in development of some of these archetypes goes to Joe Cucinotti.

Without further ado...

ARCHETYPE: THE MOVIE DETECTIVE
BEHAVIOR:
Unclear on the concept that movies are an audio-visual medium and not everything needs to be explicitly said to be understood, the Movie Detective feels the need to state out loud every connection and revelation that is not expressly stated by one of the characters. Often he feels this makes him very smart. He is wrong.

ARCHETYPE: MR. DONKEY LAUGH
BEHAVIOR:
Mr. Donkey Laugh simply cannot laugh at normal decibel levels. His laugh is in fact so piercing, so unique, and occurs with such frequency that anticipating its next explosion supplants the actual movie in your mind, until you wait, cowered in your seat, like a London resident during the Blitz. Mr. Donkey Laugh in fact makes it harder to laugh at genuinely funny segments in a movie. When combined with THE CHUCKLEHEAD, the effects can be fatal.

ARCHETYPE: TEXTY McCELLPHONE
BEHAVIOR:
Because we live in an age where it is apparently impossible to sit still and concentrate for 90 minutes, Texty McCellphone has no compunctions about whipping out their little LED leash to see what pearls of wisdom were cast to her by her friends, and so that she can respond in kind with wit that would no doubt make Oscar Wilde burn with envy. Fun fact: nothing anyone has typed with their thumbs has ever been important.

ARCHETYPE: THE CHUCKLEHEAD
BEHAVIOR:
Everything is funny to the Chucklehead. Absolutely everything. Any trace of mirth whatsoever, no matter how slight, is met with uproarious or inappropriate laughter. This is not limited to comedies. One need only step into a genuinely tense thriller or horror movie to see the Chucklehead in action, as he laughs through tensely quiet moments, giggles at serious dialogue, and guffaws when sudden violence kills a sympathetic character. The Chucklehead is one of the leading arguments for state-sponsored, or at least state-sanctioned, euthanasia.

ARCHETYPE: THE WORST PARENTS ON EARTH
BEHAVIOR:
"What two year old WOULDN'T love the 10:15 PM showing of Ocean's 13?"
Credit to: Benjamin Birdie

ARCHETYPE: BEER BOTTLE BOWLERS
BEHAVIOR:
The punk kids who bring beer into the theater, sit in the back, and then halfway through the movie knock an empty bottle over. The bottle then slowly, noisily rolls down the entire length of the theater, bouncing off chairs until it comes to a stop five minutes later. Sometimes they find this amusing.
Credit to: Dave Campbell

ARCHETYPE: THE PREVIEW JUDGE
BEHAVIOR:
The fuckwit who loudly passes judgement on every trailer. "That looks stupid." Dude, we don't care if your Skoal-chewing backwards-hat wearing ass is going to go see the new Natalie Portman movie or not.
Credit to: Dave Campbell

ARCHETYPE: THE INTERROGATOR
BEHAVIOR:
"Who is that? Why'd he do that? Do they know each other? What's that for?" every single thing that happens on screen is the prompt for a question, usually something that would be answered if you would just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WATCH THE MOVIE!
Credit to: Dorian Wright

Suggestions for the list are of course welcome. Put them in Comments.

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