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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Calling in the Sick Card. 

RAGEFUCK RATING: 4 OUT OF 5

I'm sick and I'm making a lot of typos, and I'm sorta having a hard time forming coherent thoughts (thanks, NyQuil!), so it's been suggested by someone who wishes to remain anonymous that I use this as an excuse to cut loose a little. I'm sick, loopy, haven't had two hours of sleep to rub together in a couple nights, so... I'm not accountable.

1) I don't understand the appeal behind the Avengers, the JLA, or the Fantastic Four. What the fuck. Most of those characters just don't even make sense. The Flash? A guy who runs fast? Who the fuck cares, really? How the hell does that speak to me as a person?

Who. The fuck. CARES! WHO CARES! FUCK YOU IF YOU CARE! YOUR OPINION DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU LOVE THE FLASH! THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD LESS VALID THAN YOU TO PUBLIC DISCOURSE ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING FLAT-EARTH SOCIETY!

2) Who are all these new blogger people? Really, who the fuck are you? Why should I care? WHY? I'm an O.G., dammit! Look at how fucking old my blog is! I'm a goddamn institution and none of you people know who I am.

Ask yourself: are you needed? Do you add anything? Me, my contribution is that all the right people like me. What've YOU got going for you? A daily hit tally of 55?

3) No more memes unless they're really good. And by "good" I mean it shits money onto my lap every time I read it. Dollars, pounds, euros, lire, I don't give a fuck what kind of currency. Get the money-shitting thing down, or it's a no-go from here on out.

4) Just because Garth Ennis has one "definitive" title to his name does not make him a one-hit wonder. Check out that fucking "100 Things I Love About Comics" meme and see how many people put Hitman on their list. Ennis is my boy. Fuck with him at your peril. Kinda wonder what qualifies someone as a comics icon, anyway: exactly how many comics icons do we have that had more than two or three legacy titles to their names? (And I don't wanna hear names like Will Eisner or Stan Lee. That was a whoooooole different ballgame.)

Does someone not count as a landmark writer if they don't have five legacy titles under their belt? I don't think writers today are lesser than before; I think our standards are too unrealistic. Designed to be unattainable.

Remember: just cuz the blogosphere liked Seaguy doesn't mean anyone else did. We gotta remember we are ONE FACET of the comics community, not the pulse of it.

5) CBR: Just fucking stop. I don't know why you bother. Convert to a columns-only format and stop the pathetic charade that is your middle column of "stories." Reprocessing press releases and acting like a third-rate Ain't It Cool News (which is pretty sad on its own) does not a legitimate website make.

6) TCJ: Maybe you're working on this and I'm just not noticing it, but how the hell come I only see you in the occasional comics shop, instead of everywhere there's a magazine stand? And how come most comics readers just plain don't know who the hell you are? Maybe the money's just not there. Maybe you just can't force stores to carry you. But you know what? I see music magazines in non-music stores and movie magazines in non-movie stores, and both in regular old bookstores, SO WHY THE FUCK AREN'T I SEEING YOU THERE WITH THEM?

Also: I appreciate wanting to be unique. I appreciate the desire for a distinct physical identity. I also appreciate that if you want to get into the big boy stores, YOU SHOULD FORMAT YOUR FUCKING MAGAZINE SIZE LIKE OTHER MAGAZINE SIZES. Sweet jesus!

If the situation is more complicated than that, then please enlighten me.

7) TPBs: same deal. As witnessed by the new Sin City trades, stories can be shrunk down, priced affordably and packaged attractively without loss to art or lettering. I mean, maybe there WAS some degradation.. but if I didn't notice it, the layperson sure as hell won't. How fucking insane an idea is it to get trade paperbacks filed in with new prose paperbacks?

8) Superman is stupid. It's sad when the state of the industry is that people get excited when someone produces a story that's even two shades to the left or right of "same old," so fucking ecstatic that it's a reinvention of the character. Pathetic.

Kill. Superman.

9) Cohesion fading.

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