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Monday, November 15, 2004

Why John Byrne Sucks. 

1) Ian talks about the Hard Time TPB he won from yours truly. He has words of wisdom:

Over the course of three days I’ve now read all ten issues of the series that have been published. I can say to you that this series (which is be put on hiatus with issue 12 but is getting brought back, hopefully under the Vertigo banner) is probably one of the best comics out there and certainly one of the best being put out by a company like DC.

Gods bless ya and keep ya, Ian.

2) As you know, I gave away some copies of the TPB for She-Hulk, and my sole contest requirement was that I be given amusing reasons that John Byrne sucks.

Here's the winner. It's good enough I felt I should share it.

John Byrne sucks BIG TIME!! I once saw John Byrne rape a nun and then burn her alive just so he could later skin her and wear her as a suit. Then, disguised as a nun, John Byrne infiltrated the church and would perform gross three way sexual acts with priests and altar boys. In the middle of these acts, he would take off his nun skin suit and scream "I DREW THE DARK PHOENIX SAGA!" and stab the priest in the left eyeball with a game boy game. Not one of those new games, mind you. But the old school, big as a brick versions. While the priest grasps at his face and screams for help, John Byrne sticks a sketching pencil up his neck right through his vocal cords, preventing any real sound from escaping the priest's mouth.

And while the altar boy looks on in horror, John Byrne whips out his cock and starts jiggling it around. John looks the boy in the face and says "You ready to meet the Justice League, you little fag meat?" and begins pissing on the little boy. The altar boy can't stand it and starts drowning on the piss that's being forced down his throat. John Byrne simply laughs and screams "YEAH!!! EMBRACE MY LIFE TAKING FLUIDS!!!"

After the boy dies, John cuts him open and uses his blood to draw an issue of Alpha Flight.

And he did all of this....on Tuesday.

That's why John Byrne sucks.

Hell, I think Alpha Flight might be a good enough reason in itself.


Yep. He wins.

(Comics Weblog Updater, I will kill you with my teeth.)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I am rich with prizes. 

So, today, the first She-Hulk trade came out. As did a special hardcover of The Pro.

So here's what I'm going to do. I have my old softcover of The Pro that I don't need anymore, along with three (3, tres) copies of the She-Hulk TPB. I have four envelopes. I will send them out on Saturday.

Would you like one to come to you?

Drop me a line at crimson at lethal death dot com, and title the e-mail (all caps) SHE-RINGWOOD. If you want She-Hulk, simply give me one (funny) reason John Byrne sucks. If you want The Pro, send me one (funny) reason prostitution should be legalized.

This is all completely free, by the way. Ain't that wonderful?

Also, while you're at your shop: pick up Dead@17: Revolution. Not caught up on D@17? Well, by god, they have digest-sized TPBs out for the first two series. Get them.

(It should go without saying that I want to give these books to PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT READ THEM YET. Comics bloggers are not ineligible, but if you win, you better talk about the damn book on your blog.)

That is all.

(COMICS WEBLOG UPDATER THING -- NOTICE ME, GODDAMMIT!)

Monday, November 08, 2004

Good times at Wizard World. 

Some observations.

1) Joe Casey does a very funny Chris Claremont impersonation. I have no idea if it's accurate, but that's beside the point. And The Intimates is really quite fucking good.

2) Some Top Cow marketing guy whose name currently escapes me did a lecture on marketing your comic. In it, he mentioned Heidi McDonald (and/or "her little blog," which reads a lot more dismissively than it was said) three times, Newsarama/Matt Brady twice, and CBR once. I'm not sure why this is interesting to me, but it is.

3) Josh Howard (he of Dead@17 fame) is going places. Got something going on for Image's second Flight volume, as well as a project for DC Comics. Did not think to ask him if it was going to be under a particular imprint, because I am stupid, and because the smoothie I had was so good I was distracted by its flavor.

4) Speaking of, Dead@17: Revolution hits stores on Wednesday. Pick it up. It's a solid fucking read, with a very interesting new character thrown into the mix. And you're going to have a hard time missing that cover anyway.

5) Also have some interest in Silent Devil Productions' Dracula vs. King Arthur. I know, I know. Stay with me here. It's going to be fun. Remember what fun comics were like? Well, this is it. And Chris Moreno seems to have the artistic goods. (Silent Forest is also a very funny title.)

6) Four seems to be the magic number for small publishers, in terms of mini-series length. I'm sure there are any number of practical reasons for this, but I see here an opportunity for comics to maybe kick that three-act format in the ass and do something distinct and new. Now, so far, most 4-parters seem to just give the middle two issues to the second act, but something could be done here. Maybe something is and I'm just not seeing it. Tell me if I'm not.

7) Totally unrelated: I just got done bagging up some clothes for a homeless ministry. A few weekends back I had the occasion to talk at length with the woman in charge of this particular program. The true philanthropist type was she: filthy rich, and an absolute servant to her community. A good woman. She tells me that the second most popular item among the homeless she sees is books. Paperbacks, usually. Just little paperbacks or short story collections, something to pass the time. They get snapped up almost as quickly as jackets and longsleeve shirts.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going, here. Now, I know there's no money to be made for Comics At Large by giving away your old trade paperbacks to homeless shelters or ministries, but... we're all in this to share good stories with people, right?

So why not take some of those old TPBs of yours to the local church or shelter? Or, at the very least, hit up a used book store and snap up some clearance paperbacks.

8) Michael Lark is a funny guy. He and Ben Templesmith were sitting together at some vendor booth, and after I asked Templesmith to paint me a Ghost Rider, Lark kinda looked over... and said he wanted to try that, too. His first ever Ghost Rider, as a matter of fact.

And it's fucking gorgeous. 1 of 1, baby, and it's all mine.

9) Lark and Templesmith referred to John Cassaday as "Princess Planetary," an epigram worthy of immortalizing.

10) The line for Rob Liefeld signings/sketchings blocked the CBLDF booth on Friday, so much so that no one could even see what the CBLDF were offering. There are so many truisms about the industry in that one observation that I don't even know where to start.

11) David Mack is tall, handsome, confident, friendly, and able to stand and smile for 10 hours straight two days in a row. He also attacks artists at random and wrestles with them. These are things the public should know.

12) There is no twelfth thing.

13) Kevin may be happy to know I purchased the alternate cover issue of Digital Webbing Presents #17, featuring his best Bad Elements story yet. I would urge the rest of you to track this issue down yourself and give it a read.

14) I have heard Robert Kirkman called a hillbilly on no less than three occasions by three people, all unsolicited. One even provided an impersonation. There must be something to this.

15) Tony Moore prefers lurching zombies to sprinting ones. People get pretty zealous about that stuff, don't they?

Friday, November 05, 2004

Gone connin'. 

Wizard World Dallas today, tomorrow, and Sunday.

Reports after, if I feel up to it.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

So it's Wednesday. 

1) So I hear there was some big national to-do yesterday. I'm not really going to talk about the election, because I'm sure you don't care about my opinion on the subject and I know I don't care about yours. So sorry.

2) I did see a bumpersticker that said "Who would President Reagan vote for?" Which is so offensively wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with the obvious: since when, in the average person's mind, did President Reagan equate to Jesus? The obvious WWJD connotations are... irksome. And I'm not even a religious person.

I guess I sensed this canonization coming, but not in such a horribly tacky and (dare I say) blasphemous manner.

3) HARD TIME FOR A HARD RINGWOOD winners -- your prizes went out today, first class. I apologize for the delay. You would not believe how hard it was to find five fucking copies of that TPB, and last I checked Amazon still has it listed on pre-order status. (And it's not like DC Direct is going to help me out.)

4) I believe Alan Moore's "slab of culture" still exists. You know the old chestnut Warren Ellis trots out: that, things used to be, you could walk into a comics shop every Wednesday and walk on out with a slab of culture for $10 (or whatever.) Okay, so, the price has changed, but I think the kneejerk pessimism is basically just unfounded. Reading conversations lately about the "Wild Westitude" of comics only confirms that belief. Today, I walked out of my favorite comics shop with books by Garth Ennis, Chris Ware, Grant Morrison, Peter Milligan, Ed Brubaker, Mike Mignola, Joe Casey, Steve Gerber, Brian K. Vaughan, Peter David, and George Fucking Romero.

That, friends and neighbors, is a slab of culture unmatched in any other medium.

It's a good time to be a comics fan.

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