1) Ian talks about the Hard Time TPB he won from yours truly. He has words of wisdom:

Over the course of three days I’ve now read all ten issues of the series that have been published. I can say to you that this series (which is be put on hiatus with issue 12 but is getting brought back, hopefully under the Vertigo banner) is probably one of the best comics out there and certainly one of the best being put out by a company like DC.

Gods bless ya and keep ya, Ian.

2) As you know, I gave away some copies of the TPB for She-Hulk, and my sole contest requirement was that I be given amusing reasons that John Byrne sucks.

Here's the winner. It's good enough I felt I should share it.

John Byrne sucks BIG TIME!! I once saw John Byrne rape a nun and then burn her alive just so he could later skin her and wear her as a suit. Then, disguised as a nun, John Byrne infiltrated the church and would perform gross three way sexual acts with priests and altar boys. In the middle of these acts, he would take off his nun skin suit and scream "I DREW THE DARK PHOENIX SAGA!" and stab the priest in the left eyeball with a game boy game. Not one of those new games, mind you. But the old school, big as a brick versions. While the priest grasps at his face and screams for help, John Byrne sticks a sketching pencil up his neck right through his vocal cords, preventing any real sound from escaping the priest's mouth.

And while the altar boy looks on in horror, John Byrne whips out his cock and starts jiggling it around. John looks the boy in the face and says "You ready to meet the Justice League, you little fag meat?" and begins pissing on the little boy. The altar boy can't stand it and starts drowning on the piss that's being forced down his throat. John Byrne simply laughs and screams "YEAH!!! EMBRACE MY LIFE TAKING FLUIDS!!!"

After the boy dies, John cuts him open and uses his blood to draw an issue of Alpha Flight.

And he did all of this....on Tuesday.

That's why John Byrne sucks.

Hell, I think Alpha Flight might be a good enough reason in itself.

Yep. He wins.

(Comics Weblog Updater, I will kill you with my teeth.)

So, today, the first She-Hulk trade came out. As did a special hardcover of The Pro.

So here's what I'm going to do. I have my old softcover of The Pro that I don't need anymore, along with three (3, tres) copies of the She-Hulk TPB. I have four envelopes. I will send them out on Saturday.

Would you like one to come to you?

Drop me a line at crimson at lethal death dot com, and title the e-mail (all caps) SHE-RINGWOOD. If you want She-Hulk, simply give me one (funny) reason John Byrne sucks. If you want The Pro, send me one (funny) reason prostitution should be legalized.

This is all completely free, by the way. Ain't that wonderful?

Also, while you're at your shop: pick up Dead@17: Revolution. Not caught up on D@17? Well, by god, they have digest-sized TPBs out for the first two series. Get them.

(It should go without saying that I want to give these books to PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT READ THEM YET. Comics bloggers are not ineligible, but if you win, you better talk about the damn book on your blog.)

That is all.

(COMICS WEBLOG UPDATER THING -- NOTICE ME, GODDAMMIT!)

Some observations.

1) Joe Casey does a very funny Chris Claremont impersonation. I have no idea if it's accurate, but that's beside the point. And The Intimates is really quite fucking good.

2) Some Top Cow marketing guy whose name currently escapes me did a lecture on marketing your comic. In it, he mentioned Heidi McDonald (and/or "her little blog," which reads a lot more dismissively than it was said) three times, Newsarama/Matt Brady twice, and CBR once. I'm not sure why this is interesting to me, but it is.

3) Josh Howard (he of Dead@17 fame) is going places. Got something going on for Image's second Flight volume, as well as a project for DC Comics. Did not think to ask him if it was going to be under a particular imprint, because I am stupid, and because the smoothie I had was so good I was distracted by its flavor.

4) Speaking of, Dead@17: Revolution hits stores on Wednesday. Pick it up. It's a solid fucking read, with a very interesting new character thrown into the mix. And you're going to have a hard time missing that cover anyway.

5) Also have some interest in Silent Devil Productions' Dracula vs. King Arthur. I know, I know. Stay with me here. It's going to be fun. Remember what fun comics were like? Well, this is it. And Chris Moreno seems to have the artistic goods. (Silent Forest is also a very funny title.)

6) Four seems to be the magic number for small publishers, in terms of mini-series length. I'm sure there are any number of practical reasons for this, but I see here an opportunity for comics to maybe kick that three-act format in the ass and do something distinct and new. Now, so far, most 4-parters seem to just give the middle two issues to the second act, but something could be done here. Maybe something is and I'm just not seeing it. Tell me if I'm not.

7) Totally unrelated: I just got done bagging up some clothes for a homeless ministry. A few weekends back I had the occasion to talk at length with the woman in charge of this particular program. The true philanthropist type was she: filthy rich, and an absolute servant to her community. A good woman. She tells me that the second most popular item among the homeless she sees is books. Paperbacks, usually. Just little paperbacks or short story collections, something to pass the time. They get snapped up almost as quickly as jackets and longsleeve shirts.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going, here. Now, I know there's no money to be made for Comics At Large by giving away your old trade paperbacks to homeless shelters or ministries, but... we're all in this to share good stories with people, right?

So why not take some of those old TPBs of yours to the local church or shelter? Or, at the very least, hit up a used book store and snap up some clearance paperbacks.

8) Michael Lark is a funny guy. He and Ben Templesmith were sitting together at some vendor booth, and after I asked Templesmith to paint me a Ghost Rider, Lark kinda looked over... and said he wanted to try that, too. His first ever Ghost Rider, as a matter of fact.

And it's fucking gorgeous. 1 of 1, baby, and it's all mine.

9) Lark and Templesmith referred to John Cassaday as "Princess Planetary," an epigram worthy of immortalizing.

10) The line for Rob Liefeld signings/sketchings blocked the CBLDF booth on Friday, so much so that no one could even see what the CBLDF were offering. There are so many truisms about the industry in that one observation that I don't even know where to start.

11) David Mack is tall, handsome, confident, friendly, and able to stand and smile for 10 hours straight two days in a row. He also attacks artists at random and wrestles with them. These are things the public should know.

12) There is no twelfth thing.

13) Kevin may be happy to know I purchased the alternate cover issue of Digital Webbing Presents #17, featuring his best Bad Elements story yet. I would urge the rest of you to track this issue down yourself and give it a read.

14) I have heard Robert Kirkman called a hillbilly on no less than three occasions by three people, all unsolicited. One even provided an impersonation. There must be something to this.

15) Tony Moore prefers lurching zombies to sprinting ones. People get pretty zealous about that stuff, don't they?

Wizard World Dallas today, tomorrow, and Sunday.

Reports after, if I feel up to it.

1) So I hear there was some big national to-do yesterday. I'm not really going to talk about the election, because I'm sure you don't care about my opinion on the subject and I know I don't care about yours. So sorry.

2) I did see a bumpersticker that said "Who would President Reagan vote for?" Which is so offensively wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with the obvious: since when, in the average person's mind, did President Reagan equate to Jesus? The obvious WWJD connotations are... irksome. And I'm not even a religious person.

I guess I sensed this canonization coming, but not in such a horribly tacky and (dare I say) blasphemous manner.

3) HARD TIME FOR A HARD RINGWOOD winners -- your prizes went out today, first class. I apologize for the delay. You would not believe how hard it was to find five fucking copies of that TPB, and last I checked Amazon still has it listed on pre-order status. (And it's not like DC Direct is going to help me out.)

4) I believe Alan Moore's "slab of culture" still exists. You know the old chestnut Warren Ellis trots out: that, things used to be, you could walk into a comics shop every Wednesday and walk on out with a slab of culture for $10 (or whatever.) Okay, so, the price has changed, but I think the kneejerk pessimism is basically just unfounded. Reading conversations lately about the "Wild Westitude" of comics only confirms that belief. Today, I walked out of my favorite comics shop with books by Garth Ennis, Chris Ware, Grant Morrison, Peter Milligan, Ed Brubaker, Mike Mignola, Joe Casey, Steve Gerber, Brian K. Vaughan, Peter David, and George Fucking Romero.

That, friends and neighbors, is a slab of culture unmatched in any other medium.

It's a good time to be a comics fan.

Well, Rick shows me up for the fraud I am.

God.

Dammit.

1) Mild response to the post from yesterday. The most informative responses of all were the e-mails I got from folks who wanted me to be more vicious than I was. Interesting. Anyone else want to pick up the ball on this, or will I remain the shit-stirrer?

The silence is a touch disappointing. Not because I wanted to create meaningless controversy, but because I wanted people to actually start thinking about why the fuck they blog. I don't want to hear any of this shit about "because it keeps me writing," or whatever; those are lame, cop-out reasons to free you of any potential responsibility. And besides, if that were the case, why do you have a linkbar? Why is your blog not password-protected?

You want to be public. So why?

2) What's with new cars? They're all about half a foot taller than they need to be, two feet wider than they need to be... and I'm not just talking about oversized SUVs or something. Cars look puffy, like they're inflatible. Just saw some jackass tooling around in some Stay-Puft Chrysler convertible, licorice red, and he was very happy about it, you could tell. I'm sure all the chicks in Candyland were digging on his completely ridiculous ride, though.

Man, give me a future where all the cars look like DeLoreans. I can't handle this shit.

3) Small publishers, let's try a novel concept. HOW ABOUT GIVING ME A SUMMARY OF YOUR FUCKING STORY ON THE BACK OF YOUR GODDAMN TRADE PAPERBACKS? I don't want to pick up a book with an interesting cover, turn it over, and see quotes like "IT'S ABOUT TIME. IT'S ABOUT LOVE. IT'S ABOUT LIFE." over a picture of some dude shaking out a rug or something. And below that are some quotes from jackhole websites about an author's PREVIOUS work.

IT TELLS ME NOTHING, AND IN FACT MADE ME PUT YOUR BOOK DOWN.

I don't understand. The idea is to get books into peoples' hands, right? You want to SELL the product, for reasons various and sundry?

SO WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO HARD ON THE FUCKING CONSUMER? WHY MUST THE CONSUMER DO ALL THE WORK? WHY WILL YOU NOT MEET US HALFWAY?

This is not a hard concept to grasp.

4) That whole opening sequence to the remake of Dawn of the Dead is just fucking superb, isn't it?

5) I appreciate all that Dirk Deppey did for blogs, but we need to stop talking about this guy like he's Jesus. The rush to be "more like Dirk" is a loser's gambit; do we want to be clones or do we want individual voices? Why do we want to emulate patterns of the past, instead of creating new ones? Are we really so small-brained, so self-referential, so cursedly aware of ourselves that we want to start eating our tails that quickly?

6) Comics piss me off because I love them so much. But comics are so very, very timid. My violent reintroduction to comics back in 2001 was via Frank Miller, and ever since then I've been frustrated that not everyone tries for that kind of energy, zeal, or simple balls-out passion for the form.

And when I say "comics," I mean the whole world of them, inside and out. Not just the floppies. You guys are part of that.

I do not want to read about Hal Jordan. I do not want to read another snarky dismissal of a safe target like Identity Crisis. I don't want to hear ANOTHER GODDAMN REFERENCE to superhero readers living in their mom's basement. All of that crap -- that's pure intellectual laziness.

Start using teeth when you talk, or shut up.

7) WHY DID YOU FUCK WITH THE CAMERA IN GRAND THEFT AUTO?!

8) What one person has called a binary philosophy, that pisses me off. No one is all saint or all devil. Black and white is worthless when talking about human beings.

Who I'm thinking of is Julius Schwartz. Seems to be the popular opinion is he's either the Savior of Comics or A Dangerous, Dirty Old Man Excused By Other Dangerous, Dirty Old Men. That either his lecherous habits should be ignored because of his achievements, or his achievements are for naught because he was sleazy.

Ridiculous. That's the kind of simplistic, childish morality worthy of... why, a 1960's superhero comic book.

Has anyone here ever known anyone that could be defined that simply?

I owe an artist an e-mail. I have an unopened copy of GTA: San Andreas sitting on my desk, calling my name in its sweet siren song. I picked up three classic horror movies -- Little Shop of Horrors, Dementia 13, and House on Haunted Hill -- for A DOLLAR APIECE! (I heart Best Buy.) I should be writing. I haven't had a bite to eat all day. There are, literally, 5000 things I should be doing instead of this.

But here I am.

Now, I don't believe in shock and posturing for the sake of shock and posturing. Some people do. I'm thinking specifically of that Talk to the Face situation and its various hangers-on; Congratulations, suckers, you've hitched your wagon to the Jacqueline Susann of our time. I'm a bit surprised some of my fellow bloggers responded so positively to such an obvious handjob of self-importance and gimmickry, but whadyagonnado. Next I'll be hearing that US Weekly is legitimate press and should be taken seriously.

No, I believe shock and posturing should be like miracles: a great big conflagaration that draws attention to something else that needs attention. I understand the argument to "lead by example," but the critic has his or her definite place on the food chain. They serve an undeniable function: Shaping and guiding the consciousness of the greater masses.

(If you scoff at that, and you're a blogger, ask yourself why you have a blog in the first place. If you scoff at that and you merely visit blogs, ask yourself why you visit them.)

That's all pretty fancy talk. Here's the low humor part: you've got yourselves front row seats to a hell of a train wreck. I admit to no small joy in being the one manning the engine.

It's time to Name Names, and I'm just going to go down my bloglist on the lefthand bar there. I won't talk about everyone, because frankly not everyone needs to be talked about. If this shatters your ego, I have advice for you: cope.

Ian Brill - No strong opinion. I like Ian. He writes good stuff. Hooray Ian.

Mark Hale - Same. We always have need of people who archive our collective past, and all the better if they do so in a humorous fashion.

Johanna Draper Carlson - I do not believe Johanna reads and talks about comics to enjoy herself or to have a good time. I believe she reads and talks about comics to be miserable about something in an intelligent fashion. I sense no joy or love for the art in anything she writes. All I read is informed misery. She's smart, no doubt, but hardly an entry goes by that I do not say, out loud, "oh for god's sake, pull the stick out." Please: LIGHTEN UP. Note: This entry works if you replace Johanna's name with Chris Butcher, and adjust the pronouns accordingly.

Rick Geerling - Rick doesn't have the stamina to put up with disappointment, which is really too bad, because he's very funny and very clever. We need more people like Rick, hanging on the fringes, well-known enough to be noticed but not so popular he can't just do whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he wants. A loss.

Graeme McMillan - A cornerstone of the blogosphere, undoubtedly. It's funny, because if you just laid out a quick summary of what it is Graeme does, you wouldn't figure he'd be so important to the whole works. The man wields as much power as any of us can, and he doesn't really use it. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Franklin Harris - Knowledgeable, but oh so snooty. Oh, lord, the snooty factor. We're all very impressed, my boy, no really; just TALK already. This goes for Franklin, and for everyone else, too: we're not nearly as important as we think we are until we've EARNED IT. And we haven't yet.

John Jakala - Help me Obi-Wan, you're our only hope. Jakala fit all the traits I look for in a good blogger, and for all intents and purposes he's gone. This saddens me, and I'm not speaking in hyperbole.

Matt Maxwell - See entry: "Brill, Ian." I actually love Matt to death. I consider him one of the Good Guys.

Marc Singer - Too smart for us.

Dave Intermittent - See entry: "Jakala, John." Dave is brilliant. He's very smart but doesn't flaunt it; he just gets on with his point and makes his point in about a third of the space of the rest of the "intellectual" bloggers. We would do well to follow his example.

David Fiore - I love David to death, and I, like most people, think he might be mildly insane. There's no question in my mind that David is very, very smart. Most of the time, though, he sounds like he's chiming in from another conversation that is quite similar but distinctly different. I also believe he's completely sincere in everything he says, and that most people react very poorly when they encounter someone who talks with zero guile. They simply don't know how to respond to a man who hides nothing and keeps everything on the level.

Neilalien, Mike Sterling, and Johnny Bacardi - When the bombs drop and the world ends, the last things left alive will be Twinkies, roaches, and these three guys. And that warms up the coal-black pits of my heart something fierce. I understand Neil has lately been called "Dirklike" in a complimentary fashion, but I consider this a disservice. Neil is not Dirk, nor should he have any reason to be. He's Neil. As long as these three continue to do what they do, all hope is not lost.

Kevin Melrose & Shane Bailey - I've often commented that these two are necessary components of the blogosphere, perhaps even vital. I also think their style of blogging inhibits the emergence of any true personality. I get the sense with Kevin that this is the intention, but I chalk that up in the Loss column.

Jeff Chatlos/Otto - We Need Otto. Another of a small cadre of bloggers who set the example just by doing what they do.

Rose Curtin/Steven Berg - Have grown distressingly inconsistent on blogging. Now, just being regular once a week is fine; not everyone needs to blog every day. Not everyone can. But I'm starting to wonder about this blog's shelf life, and that's too bad; we need all the smart dissenting voices we can get.

(Note: that's dissenting, not arbitrary naysaying. A lot of bloggers mix the two up often.)

Dorian... whatever his last name is - My sole complaint with Dorian is that there's only one of him. We need him like we need Mikester, like we need Neil, like we need Johnny B, like we need Jeff/Otto, like we need Graeme. Essential.

Milo George - Wasted potential. A lot of intelligence and a lot of insight squandered on so-backhanded-it's-useless commentary. Though, I admit, the "yours in Christ" signoff never fails to make me laugh. Could make a difference; apparently chooses not to. Which is too bad.

Me - I don't know my place here and never have. I've always considered myself just about the least essential blog on the whole sphere, which is really saying something. But all the right people seem to like me. Chances are, if you don't like me, the feeling is mutual. But if you want to know for sure... why not drop me a line?

There. I feel much better. Have a pleasant day.

Once you stop reading blogs for a few days, for whatever reason, it's really easy to stay that way.

A lot of the reason behind that is pretty obvious: there's way too fucking many of them. I don't think anyone can argue with that.

Here's another problem: we've allowed ourselves to become secondhand sources of Newsarama blurbs. That's... that's pitiful, is what that is. We don't report our own news. We let Newsarama and CBR and whoever else process the press releases, or score the fabulous columns (which is all CBR is good for), and then talk about what they talk about.

Which is fine. There's a place for forum discussion, and message boards sure as shit aren't the place anything constructive can be done. But is that all we should be?

What we have now are eleventy million blogs that refilter press releases and release schedules through each blogger's particular personalities. And if a blogger has a particularly strong personality, or a good niche unserved elsewhere, that can be okay.

But is that all we should be? Exactly how many lifestyle columnists are necessary?

Now, far be it from me to suggest alternatives to this self-fulfilling cycle of worthlessness and parasitism. We have here an excellent opportunity to break out of the loop and make forward progress, but mostly we want to perpetuate the same shitty circumstances in comics that we came into (or say we came into, or heard that other people came into.) The status quo, when questioned, is viciously reinforced by Voids that Eat Fun (tm a blogger who probably doesn't want to be named.)

Lame.

There are a few bloggers out there who offer consistently fresh material, consistently interesting insights, or fulfill their niche unlike anyone else. But we don't have enough of them.

And maybe it's silly of me to expect everyone to rise to excellence, but I'd like everyone to at least give it a shot, you know? Maybe resist the temptation to tell us what you're buying this week. I don't really care. What I care about is WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THOSE COMICS. Positive (or negative) buzz is something bloggers specialize in, and can be a pretty powerful tool.

If you like, I can start naming names.