So as you may have noticed, I haven't been blogging much lately. That's because for the past two weeks I've been house sitting, and the only computer there is a pre-Flood monstrosity running on a perky 24k dial-up connection. Such a sad life.

It's my mom's house I was house sitting, actually. I spent some time cleaning up my old room, basically tossing out the junk, and I opened up a trunk that hadn't been cracked open in at least 10 years. I found a ton of shit in there -- baseball cards, a Roger Staubach autograph, poker chips, some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stuff, and then...

Records. Comic book records. Little 7" LPs of various characters engaging in no-doubt breathtaking adventures against the lamest villains in the history of ever. I couldn't just toss this stuff away, and I figured, hey, why not ask the blog community if they have any interest? I'd much rather someone I semi-know have these things instead of a random eBay jackoff, so. Drop me a line at crimson at lethaldeath dot com and let me know. I won't charge you a dime, and I'll even pay postage.

Here they are:

Gonna go out on a limb and say Spidey wins this one.

If I weren't the laziest asshole on earth, I'd scan and post classic panels from this book, as it's an actual comic book that comes with a record, rather than the record running solo. And I wouldn't dream of revealing who this particular Phoenix really is.

That cover kind of turns me on. I named the file "he's a plastic man" because I'm fucking clever.

Actually, this one's not available. I already have someone in mind for it... I only posted it because I'm a big tease. I also have no idea why I named the file "StarkTrek."

Nothing funny to add here.

"Superman vs. Weatherspoon's Catalyst" is possibly the most boring comics story title of all time. It sounds like Superman's going to spend the next 30 minutes punching a physics theorem. (This is the part where someone comments that Weatherspoon's Catalyst is a physics theorem, and right after that is the part where I kick their teeth in.)

I named this file "Supes" to piss John Byrne off.

Once again, that's crimson at lethaldeath dot com. Lemme know if you want one. I make no guarantees on if the records are scratched to hell or not -- my only record player went the way of the dodo 15 years ago.

RAGEFUCK POST RATING: 3

I've decided, in light of recent events, to stop saying "Jesus!," or its variation, "Jesus Christ!," or any variation with a middle word (i.e. "Jesus Tapdancing Christ!") to express displeasure or surprise.

As we all know, words are concrete, static things whose meaning does not change with usage by various age groups, genders, races, sexual preferences, and soda preferences. Their usage also does not change or drastically alter over relatively short periods of time. A particular word or phrase always means what it's always meant. Words are also never used ironically or for the sake of deflation of said word's importance. It is a sober place, the English language, and no variation or deviation exists. Language does not evolve or mutate.

We know all this to be absolute, undeniable truth.

I will therefore stop using the Lord and Savior's name in vain to express the aforementioned displeasure or surprise, because it is an obvious taint on the Christ Jesus. I am obviously associating the Christ -- and by extension the Church, in all its various forms, as well as all organized religion beyond it -- with mild frustration, and that simply cannot stand. It's disrespectful, blasphemous, insensitive, and I would even go so far as to hypocritically (and rather blandly) call myself a fucking cumsmear if I ever did it again.

Now that that's settled, let's get back to the important topics, like why Hal Jordan R0X0RS.

You fucking idiots.

RAGEFUCK POST RATING: 2

First: apologies all around for not updating lately. I've been house sitting at a place with no broadband and a computer older than Jesus.

And just something that's been on my mind:

I don't like snark. It's dishonest.

This is problematic for me. Snark just last week edged out English as the primary language of the Western Internet, and it's the primary way to say such varied things as Thinking That Guy's Adoration of Bendis Is Stupid to Thinking That Guy's Adoration of John Kerry Is Stupid. It's a handy tool. It makes people feel big.

But it's dishonest.

As far as I can tell, Snark is the younger sibling to belligerent Sarcasm and snivelling Irony. (The parents are Arrogance and Insecurity. And let's hope Dorian is right about Irony.) Its purpose is to insult someone with a backhanded comment and make the Snarker look big. Basically, it's a way for the weak to be bullies.

Sarcasm's useful, recognized, and blunt. Irony, in doses so small it can't be seen with the human eye, is tolerable. With snark, less is more. In fact, not using it at all is more.

The next time you find yourself thinking over that perfect one-liner to zing the shit out of someone, sit back and think: would my point be much better made if I just came out and said what I felt?

If your answer is no, then your opinion isn't worth knowing.

1) I keep forgetting to mention this one. Digital Webbing Presents #17 came out this past Wednesday, featuring a lengthy Bad Elements story from our very own Kevin Melrose. It's pretty fucking fantastic, actually, and that's not just me shaking my Team Blogger pom poms. The man knows how to write a solid story with weirdness creeping in around the edges. Love the frogs. BUY IT!

2) Will and I have been constructing the ultimate movie. It's basically Aliens vs. Predators vs. Terminators vs. Future Humans vs. Ash vs. John McClane vs. Magneto. Go. Read. Contribute your own ideas.

I don't know if they lie in the hurricane's Path O' Destruction or not, but I know Shane and Dave I. are Floridians and were battening down the hatches in preparation. Be nice of us to put our thoughts to them right now, and wish them well.

So DO IT!

(I miss anyone?)

RAGEFUCK POST RATING: 2

1) Hello, CBR.

2) In a startling new development, Green Lantern psychoes are getting worked up about something that has no impact on real life, or, for that matter, real comics. ("Real" has a very specific meaning, here.) But we all know what I think about the Green Lantern concept, don't we?

3) Nothing. There is no third thing.

4) R.I.P. Grotesque Anatomy. That is horribly fucking depressing. I vote everyone go on over to GA and tell Jakala you won't stop commenting on his blog till he starts blogging again. If that makes any sense. (It doesn't.)

5) Galactus and "Better Living Through Chemistry" on the New Avengers? I'd buy 20 copies of that and hand it out to friends. (Thanks to Rick for spottin' it.)

6) Thank the fuck christ for Bullseye: Greatest Hits. It may or may not be a worthwhile series, I can't really tell yet, but I'm just glad to see Dillon pencilling on a major title right now. If I had my way, he'd be pencilling ... like everything.

7) I'm a Birds of Prey fan, but I can't for the life of me attach a definite personality to Black Canary. Who the hell is she? And that's not a call for elaborate backstories, fanboy -- tell me WHY SHE MATTERS? What's intriguing about her concept? If it's there, maybe I just haven't seen it yet. Huntress: interesting. Oracle: interesting. Black Canary: blank slate in fishnets. Being blonde, a little sassy, and having a sonic scream isn't enough to sell me on the concept.

8) It's really funny to be watching the WE Channel (don't ask why) and seeing previews for that movie Molly, and lo and behold, the sensitive therapist who (creepily) loves Molly just the way she is is none other than the Punisher. I laughed. So what? You did too, you fuckin' hypocrite.

9) I want you to do me a favor, and it's a big one, because it takes some time. I want you to go out to Taco Bell and get like 20 burrito supremes, or whatever they call them. Eat them all in one sitting. I know, I know; just do it. You'll get your chance to vomit later.

Wait about 6 hours, and during that time eat lots of fiber. Now go to the bathroom. Do what comes natural.

Now I need you to vomit the rest of the fiber/burrito stuff into the bowl, on top of your droppings.

What you are now looking at has more deeply affected the world than the Olympics.

10) Fallen Angel contest. Enter it. Win an autographed trade. Very easy.

11) I'm glad THE ROOMMATE and I get the privilege to pay Comcast to monopolize our cable service selection. I'm also glad we pay them an obscene amount of money to have a fucked-up cable connection that works for spurts of 20 minutes at a time before randomly giving out. But the best part! The best part is not getting a technician for four days after phoning it in. It's like those folks at McDonald's say: I'm lovin' it, now pass me the Pepto!

12) Dorian speaks wise, as he is wont to do: ...there are plenty of comics for kids, and plenty of kids who read comics. We've got a big section in the store of kid-appropriate comics and it does brisk business. And that's not even mentioning the manga. So, again, when people say that "there are no comics for kids" or "kids don't read comics" what they really mean is: "kids today don't read the kinds of comics I read when I was their age." Which is really a rather self-centered and narcisstic view, I think. There's no logical reason in the world why kids today would want the same kinds of entertainment as kids ten, twenty, thiry, forty, etc. years ago would.

13) Nothing. Leave.

RAGEFUCK POST RATING: 1

You'll notice something a little different if your eyes wander about an inch and a half up.

But, Ken, why "KEN LOWERY PRESENTS"?

Because I'm fucking Stan Lee, that's why. (That is, I'm like unto Mr. Lee, not that I'm slipping the old man my sausage. Maybe. What do YOU know?)

No "Ragefuck"? Exactly who did you sell out to, and for how much?

I didn't sell out (well, not yet...) but I just realized I'm basically not as ragefuckian as I used to be. Back when the blog started, every single post was angry as hell. Now it's more like 1 post out of every 3 is angry.

What's with that RAGEFUCK POST RATING thing?

The title's changed, but the content won't. Having a rating before each post to give you some idea of how much obscenity you can expect to find therein was Rose's brainchild. It's a pretty good one. If I ended up doing categories for my posts like all the hip kids, that's how I'd do it.

Well how do those wonderful ratings work?

The scale goes from 1 to 5. 1 is this, which is relatively serene, and 5 resembles something like a nuclear meltdown at the hatred factory ("Joe Quesada is a COCKFACED VAGINAL SCAB who EATS CHILDREN because it's FUN FOR HIM!")

CREDIT WHERE BLAME'S DUE DEPT.: Shane created the banner, Will made the devil guy, whose name be Pinche Cochino. Larry is the one in the Sith Master cloak, in the background, cackling. Say hi and offer scotch.

I am no stranger to putting on a contest to promote a book that needs more readers, and Fallen Angel certainly qualifies.

Johanna's picked up the standard on this one:

I'm going to make it easy for you. I'm holding a contest. It's not even a complicated contest. Send me an entry saying why you want to try Fallen Angel.

First prize is a signed copy of the Fallen Angel TPB, plus the three most recent issues (#12-14). Second prize is a copy of the TPB. Third prize is copy of the latest issue #14, an excellent starting point. (There will likely be multiple third prizes, depending on how many people's entries I like.)

Here are the rules: One entry per person, emailed to me at the address on the right. The decision of the judges is final. Put FALLEN ANGEL in your subject line to help me out, please. If you don't want your entry published here later, please say so.

Entries must be received by September 8th. (US and Canadian entries only, please, unless you're willing to pay international shipping.)

Go. Enter. Do it now.

What, exactly, is the New Mainstream in comics?

And while we're tackling the important questions that almost certainly aren't the largely meaningless ramblings of self-styled scholars...

Just how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, anyway?

Basically commenting here because the relevant blog doesn't have a Comments section I can add to...

It all starts here, with Dorian's rather entertaining and smart post on the absurdities of nostalgia. I responded in kind, to defend Star Wars Episodes I and II from the Star Wars fans with a maniacal (and rather silly) "devotion" to the original trilogy, as if enjoying both trilogies is in some way hypocritical.

This guy here responds:

I'm no big Star Wars fan, but that point doesn't make much sense to me, at least not as an indictment of Lucas.

Well, that's good. Because I wasn't indicting Lucas. I was attempting to put some perspective into the SW fans who have none.

Then the guy, who (don't get me wrong) seems to be pretty sharp, doubles back on his own counterargument. He attempts to say that being innovative is the same as being a masterful film, and counters my "if Episode IV came out today, it'd make $60 mil and disappear forever" comment:

It's only when you compare CK with the films of its time that can you see it for what it is. That doesn't mean it wasn't masterful filmmaking... quite to the contrary, that's precisely what establishes the movie's greatness. It provided the shoulders upon which further greatness has perched.

Either I made my point badly, or it just wasn't received. The technological innovations of Star Wars are absolutely undeniable; and whether the original movie revitalized blockbuster filmmaking or doomed artistic creativity in film forever is still up for debate. That's a big contribution to film. I'm not denying that. I'd be crazy to.

But the first film's technique is sloppy, choppy, only moderately-well acted and generally bears the hallmarks of a bright but undisciplined semi-pro. Overflowing imagination filtered through as-yet unhoned technique. Critics panned the shit out of Episode IV when it came out, you know; they were focusing on the mediocre form while blind to the wild imagination playing out in front of them.

The technique of the film, its mastery of the storytelling form, rates a B- at best.

The point is, being innovative at the time is masterful filmmaking.

I disagree, at least when I'm defining the term "masterful filmmaking" to mean... masterful filmmaking.

Cue rampage by angry Star Wars fans who will entirely miss the point of this...

(Actually two.)

First there is Worf-style Larry Young, accompanied by Captain Rick Austin Picard.

I am told that this second Larry Young, carrying the mystical axe Skullcleaver, will be stalking the aisles of Isotope Comics with pencil god Kieron Dwyer from 1pm to 3pm, PST. If you come across this guy and you don't have a stack of AiT books in your hands, well...

Just have your wills ready.

I forget where, but someone linked to this little interview between Matt Fraction and someone he calls Pancake. She's got a bachelor's in painting, so you know she is An Authority.

It's mildly amusing, I guess, in a shoving-a-retarded-kid-around way. Vaguely entertaining, but way too easy. What's the big moral here? Two Cool Kids sit around and pick on, of all fucking targets, Witchblade? Witchblade sucks and the Hernandez posse is cool? Oh look, she wears whores' clothes! Oh, isn't this silly? Oh, it's so badly written!

Um, wow. Stop the fucking presses, guys. You keep this up, and you'll be spouting off even more radical material, like Urban Legends 2 just really sucks in comparison to Psycho.

That kind of cheap bullying just doesn't satisfy, for me.

Felt I should say something.

This is a transcript of an actual conversation between two bloggers, from last night. The details have been vague-ified to protect the innocent.

Rick (10:34:34 PM): Hey, I'm a wiseass and [they] seems to like me. That or [Anonymous] does, so [they] just [have] to like me by association.

Me (10:34:56 PM): Well, because I'm paranoid and ego-centric, when [they] said some of the people ... AREN'T that smart, I took that to mean ME.
Me (10:35:05 PM): Because the suspect list was pretty short in that whole convo.

Rick (10:35:16 PM): Hahaha. No, I think [they] was just saying that in general to be honest. I figured I was probably part of that group, too.

Me (10:35:54 PM): Yeah, we've got that paranoid/self-absorbed thing going on.

Rick (10:36:16 PM): Well, you do. I'm just aware that I'm not all that smart.
Rick (10:36:25 PM): ...Or so I like people to think.
Rick (10:36:46 PM): It makes for good fun. Then they're all surprised when you bust out the good shit. I do it all the time. Shit, it's how I made it through high school.

Me (10:37:06 PM): That's the part I'm sorta not doing such a great job in. Busting out the good shit.

Rick (10:37:24 PM): That's because you have to wait for the right time to do it. You can't do it for every major discussion.

Me (10:38:01 PM): Shit, the last time I hit a couple of home runs was when Graeme went out of town for a week. Then, suddenly, I was on fire. Two posts of complete brilliance that folks like Neilalien and Fiore were linking to.

Rick (10:38:14 PM): Well, that's the key, then. You have to kill Graeme.

Me (10:38:30 PM): Consider him dead.