This could possibly be the geekiest picture EVER, and would be a lock for that title if maybe Dr. Who was in there drinking tea with Captain Kirk.

So geeky, yet it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. As if my special places were laid out on a bed of feathers.

(Credit to my buddy James for digging that up, no doubt from the Collective Geek Unconscious brainstem.)

First, many thanks to Graeme for putting me on his sidebar. It's good to know the psychoactive drugs slipped into his tea (he's british, right?) haven't been a waste of money and stealth.

Second, this made me laugh. A lot.

Holy shit. That'd be Legomancer's doing.

(For those not hip to the new lingo, that's the Associated Comics and Pop Culture Webloggers of Ventura County, CA and Outlying Environs vs. the Dallas County Strike Force of bloggers.)

This round, the ACAP...etc wins.

Mikester: Okay, just to clarify...I have no problem with Elfquest existing. I'm all for it. I'm glad people like it. It just doesn't do anything for me. But one issue did include an elf orgy (SFW, scroll halfway down), so I guess it can't be all bad.*

* By the way, never do a Google search on "elfquest orgy."

Dorian: I have discovered the gayest comic of all time. Gayer than an issue of Gay Heartthrobs or Meatmen. And I fully intend to take advantage of the fact that I'm probably one of the few bloggers who can get away with a post like this, by telling you why Sensation Comics #1 is the gayest comic of all time.

Jog: I was out walking last night, on my way to get a cup of coffee, and I had stopped at the corner of the street. There was a crosswalk at the corner. Suddenly, an athletic lass (it was dark, I’d say she was between 16-19 years old) came running out of a nearby yard, barreled into the crosswalk, and performed cartwheels all the way across the street. She landed on her feet quite perfectly at the sidewalk and hustled down an alley by the local library. It was all over in only a few seconds, and I doubt she even saw me standing there. I was suddenly overcome with the feeling that I had just made a cameo appearance in somebody else’s thrilling suspense film of a life.

Tom the Dog: Bruce Jones got the bright idea of using the Hulk in a very limited capacity only. Which meant that for a good number of issues, the Hulk only appeared in brief flashbacks, or by implication (gang of toughs threatens Banner, cut straight to gang of toughs with their asses kicked, with no sight of the Hulk in between), if he even appeared at all. That might be fine once or twice, as a change of pace, but when I buy a Hulk comic, I want to see the goddam Hulk. I don't buy a Superman comic for 22 pages of Clark Kent reading internet jokes from his mom at work, and if I wanted 22 pages of Bruce Banner, then I'd buy a goddam comic called Bruce Banner, not one called The Incredible Goddam Hulk!!

Ian Brill: I once read every issue of Grant Morrison's Invisibles in one day.

It was about a few months ago. Once I finally procured every trade paperback in the series I decided to start around 11:00 a.m. with volume one Say You Want a Revolution. I ended my journey around midnight with the final volume The Invisible Kingdom. A lot of ideas went through my head that day and I want to share with you some of the oddest of them.

Near the end of Kissing Mister Quimper I was convinced I had superpowers.

That right there is one powerful collective of entertainment. Jeff, Greg... we need to strike back before we get overwhelmed.

ADDENDUM: It has come to my attention that Jog The Blog is not actually a part of the ACAPthing. He is, in fact, a master of kung fu. He's also a free agent... NOW UNDER THE EMPLOY OF THE DALLAS COUNTY STRIKE FORCE, whether he likes it or not.

Anyone else want to get drafted?

It's huge, and you can't do anything about it. These are books I bought in the past couple weeks, a few omissions because I filed them away already and forgot... anyway, no particular order, specifically to drive neat-freaks crazy.

Batman: Order of the Beasts: Huzzah Eddie Campbell, but this had such a particular, plodding Victorian pacing to it, I really couldn't be interested. Watching Batman drink tea inside Scotland Yard is, I guess, pretty neat, but I really wish I'd read this before plunking down the cash.

Rating: Well, shit. That's $6 I coulda used on lunch.

Batman, the 12 Cent Adventure: Eh.

Rating: We're in for a long, dark winter, Bat-fans.

Birds of Prey #71: I got to say I'm pretty tired of people talking about how much fun they have with this book, and then quickly adding that it's a "guilty pleasure" or that they "should know better." Oh, shut up. You either enjoy the book or you don't. That kind of backtracking just says you aren't comfortable with your own tastes.

Rating: Oh, right, how I felt about it. I dig it, yeah. Great fun. Getting a wee bit tired of the Huntress just being the chump all the time, but it's good stuff.

Ex Machina #2: You really ought to get on board right the fuck now. Why? Because six issues from now this series will be The Talk of the Town, everywhere, and you won't be able to find the first two issues anymore. Vaughan continues to surprise me with his range and versatility, and with how comfortable he is in a wide variety of subject matter. This guy's going to go a long way, and this series could be his starmaker (above and beyond Y.)

Rating: Oh, yeah. I'm in for the long haul.

Batman #630: To quote Alec Baldwin in State & Main, "So that happened." That right there is the full weight and meaning of this story. I guess Scarecrow's all badass now, and there's some new villainess on the streets we'll never freakin' hear from again. Winick does what he does best: write a passable story. The real star is, to no one's surprise, Nguyen. He'd be a welcome regular on the Bat-book forever and ever, if I had my way.

Rating: Well, there you have it. A consequence-free bow-out right before we get dragged into months of insufferable Life Changing Events Wherein No One Will Be The Same, And None Shall Come Away Unscarred, a la "War Games." It really was pretty fun, though.

Army of Darkness: Ashes 2 Ashes #1: Wasn't expecting much, and not much is what I got. Enjoyable, I guess, but I think Ash is pretty much tapped-out as a character.

Rating: I'd enjoy it a lot more if it was free.

The Losers #14: This title's gotten some flak lately, mostly by people who I presume don't read comics to have a good time. Yes, it is a mish-mash of action movie clichés, or whatever, but it's a very smartly written mish-mash, with enough surprises, energy, and innovation to keep things hurtling along on its trajectory.

Rating: Jock, we miss you. We didn't mean to hurt you, baby. Come back to us.

30 Days of Night: Return to Barrow #5: A hojillion issues later, Steve Niles finally writes an interesting 30 Days of Night mini. I say that, and now I'll say something very unpopular: this series works despite Templesmith. Now, I like Templesmith. He's a talented artist. But that's not the same thing as being an accomplished visual storyteller... and that, he's not. Anyway, there's a whole bunch going on in this series all the time, so it lacks the "blink and you'll miss it" feel of the previous 30 Days books.

Rating: And it's almost over. How ironic.

Dead@17: Rough Cut Vol. I: One thing you got to give Viper, they know how to package an attractive book. This is a collection of six vignettes detailing events surrounding those in Dead@17 and Blood of Saints, filling in the blanks and generally strengthening the mythology around the central storyline. The strongest is "Fight to Live," as written by David Hopkins and drawn by Sean Stephens, both unknowns to me. It's a fun little action piece, sort of a "passing the mantle" story, detailing an elder agent of the Protectorate taking his last stand as its newest promise rises from her grave. I have to confess I would have preferred some stories set all over the place, chronologically. Tell me what the Protectorate was doing in 1066, in the British Isles! Shit like that.

Rating: Oh, yeah, definitely recommended. But it's pretty much For Fans Only. Otherwise you won't know what the hell's going on.

Hard Time #7: Listen to Dorian, for he is wise: "How many times do I have to tell people that this is a really good book before they start listening to me?" The relationships are complicated. The circumstances and events natural and organic, and generally pretty damn surprising. None of the people are completely likeable, but none of them are total bastards, either; they're just a bunch of dogs in a kennel when you get right down to it. One of the most outright interesting books going.

Rating: I'll be very upset when this book gets cancelled.. no doubt in about 5 issues. Sure, there's a superpower involved... but "life in prison" isn't the sexiest thing to sell on the comics racks.

The Ballad of Sleeping Beauty #2: Not as uniquely interesting as the first issue, and over in a heartbeat. The whole package is attractive, the cover haunting, the art solid, the price point unbeatable, but there's still a bit of zing missing.

Rating: It'll get another two issues out of me, but if it's not great by then...

Daisy Kutter: The Last Train Chapter 1: IDW, take note: this is how you put together a $3.99 book. You have to admire any book that puts Texas Hold 'Em in as the central point of tension, even goes so far as to explain the rules, and does it well. A great, great book. Order a copy.

Rating: One of those books where I put down the first issue and was eager to read the second one, right then and there.

District X #3: So, by the covers, I'm guessing Bishop is in this series? I'll go ahead and blaspheme: these first three issues have been far more entertaining than the first six of Gotham Central. I'm sorry, but I'll take an interesting, involving story over another boring, rote police procedural any day of the week. David Yardin is a solid talent, straight through; his city-within-a-city is entirely convincing, and vibrant, and alive... can you tell I like it?

Rating: Keep 'em coming.

Fallen Angel #13: Funny thing is, I like this book but couldn't tell you why. There's nothing particularly original going on here, but it's all just a little... off. A little strange. It's noir by way of the supernatural, but only hints of it. This issue, a one-off, condenses all the oddity that I like into one sitting. And I just like ghost stories anyway.

Rating: Probably not long for the world, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Astonishing X-Men #3: I like this book an inordinate amount. I'm not, like, wild about it, but there's something about working in the comics field that strips away Joss Whedon's cutesiness and just makes him tell a fucking story. I'm buying an actual X-Men book, for god's sake. W. T. F?

Rating: Holy crap, Cyclops comes off like an okay guy? Where'd that come from?

The Walking Dead #9: Kirkman keeps this up, by issue 12 the only star of the series left alive will be the RV. I said it before, I'll say it again, because it sums up how I feel about Kirkman: when we think the man will zig, he zags like crazy. He's figured out the Romero formula for zombies. They're there, they frame the story and spur it along, but they're not the point of it. We could be saved a lot of really shitty horror if people figured that lesson out.

Rating: Mm. Crunchy.

Ultimate Nightmare #1: Just the kind of weirdness I expect and savor. Count me in.

Rating: Not much else to say, since it's prologue stuff.

Y: The Last Man #25: Filler. Good filler, but it's filler. And hey, Vaughan? Who I just got done praising up above? We all saw The Magdalene Sisters, too. I'm glad to see Beth again. I sorta hope they cliffhanger her for a few issues, just to fuck with us.

Rating: Ready for some meat, now...

Singularity 7 #1: Proof positive that having a bankable name is more important than having a good story to tell when it comes to getting published.

Rating: What, you need me to clarify that?

Runaways #17: I still feel a little manipulated. The traitor angle is fine, but the way it's done -- "I knew all along, I just acted totally innocent the whole time" -- basically means any one of the kids could have been the traitor and the story would remain exactly the same. Is this the last issue before things go on hiatus for awhile?

Rating: Not a bad ending, but given how things started off, it could have been stronger.

Scratch #3: Sam Kieth's kind of a one-trick pony, isn't he? Still, I'm intrigued, if only because no one is putting out art quite like he does. Think we could convince him to do art for someone else's script, for a change?

Rating: Only two more issues. I'm hooked enough to want to see how it ends, anyway.

Planetary #20: These books move too fast. I have no idea if that's because I always eagerly await the next and then fly through it in a frenzy, or if the pacing's intentional, or it's all those huge two-page splashes and silent panels filled with The Awe of Space, or what. I still like it. I just wish they'd come out as OGNs instead of "monthlies."

Rating: I guess it's not such a bad thing if my only complaint is "more!"

DC: The New Fronter #5: The past few issues were very pretty, but I confess I was slowly.. but surely.. nodding off.. to sleep... and then this one hits me in the face with a hammer and says "PAY ATTENTION! SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENS AS OF NOW!" Cooke is a Grail Bearer of comics, so maybe that's why no one's getting on his ass for taking his sweet time getting anywhere.

Rating: This would have been an absolutely fantastic 3-parter.

The Monolith #7: Another fantastic one not nearly enough people are reading. Imagine a universe where a Batman crossover is actually very interesting and not just an obvious sales ploy. True believer, IT HAS HAPPENED! Seriously, pick it up. When was the last time you saw a series that relied on 2- or 3-part arcs? And were accordingly dense with story and innovation and idea?

Rating: Buy. Now.

Oh, holy shit. Time for my hands to fall off. I hope you bastards appreciate this.

Busy (re-)writing.

Will carry on with hilarity in a bit.

In the mean time, SOME OF THE BEST NEW BLOGS AROUND:

Jog, the Blog

Tom the Dog's You Know What I Like?

OLD STAND-BYS THAT NEVER DO YOU WRONG:

Otto's Coffee Shop

(postmodernbarney.com)

Polite Dissent

The Intermittent

There. While you wait for more brilliance from me, you can see what other, smarter, funnier people are talking about.

Through a neat coincidence, turns out Shane just popped his interview cherry with Larry, discussing his publishing house in general and Astronauts in Trouble in particular. It's actually a really solid interview, so my props to you, Shane.

I tend to reread my favorite titles and series quite a bit. I've read Welcome Back, Frank a ridiculous amount of times; read Dark Knight Returns even more. I've read the whole Preacher run a few times through, and numerous more times reading bits and pieces here and there. Same with Transmetropolitan and 100 Bullets and Hitman and I've found myself rereading the first Human Target trade by Milligan and Pulido.

A lot of praise has been heaped on the Astronauts in Trouble collection in the past by folks far smarter than I am. And they're right: it's a fun, fast-paced, imaginative and ultimately a damn good time. Live From the Moon kicks it off and sets the pace, and Space: 1959, the author's personal favorite, throws in flavorings of Nick Fury and Indiana Jones.

But the one I always come back to is One Shot, One Beer.

Set ten years after the events of LFTM, OSOB takes perhaps the most basic format in the world to tell its many and varied stories-within-a-story: a bunch of people sitting around a bar swapping tales. Except in this case, the bar's on the moon.

What's effective about this particular story is that ties together all the themes and threads from the previous works: a zen story on prosperity, a James Bond-like adventure with what is clearly the author's favorite character, the Nick Fury stand-in, a slightly biased recap of the events of LFTM, and a little bit of the old Astronauts in Trouble, flavored by toilet water and scuttlebots with a bad sense of timing.

Now, this sort of thing is a hell of a lot trickier to pull off than it sounds. Instant reasoning must be given for us to give two shits about the random assemblage of characters and the stories they have to tell. Larry Young and Charlie Adlard are up to the task. Young has an annoyingly keen ear for the natural ebb and flow of conversation, a versatility in subject matter and an overall sense of fun to what he brings to the table; Adlard, well, I don't have to tell you about Adlard. He's a star, plain and simple, and he's the guy who'll be collected in hardcovers twenty years from now.

I'm not sure what it is about OSOB that does it for me. It's more an epilogue than a sequel, a summation and sendoff of the previous AiT installments and a hell of a way to cap the series. But it's goddamned hysterical, and pulls off that impossible trick of making everyday people more fascinating than your average cape-wearer. For that I doff my hat.

I don't have time to think properly or in depth, so I'm just going to ask you guys to do the thinking for me.

I'm perusing this site, an index of independent American comics publishers both past and present. It's fascinating stuff, and it's wonderful to see what kind of zany shit was being churned out in the past few decades; where else are you going to see an occupation listing that reads "Mercenary, former botanist"?

(That entry is redeemed with this opening history paragraph:

Axel was a mild-mannered botanist who had been three-quarters devoured by Vegan Green Fungus. Vegan Green Fungus is a sentient, telepathic and extremely well-mannered carnivorous plant, and the experience of being slowly devoured by a plant that kept telling him how grateful it was, how delicious he was and how much it was enjoying the experience snapped his mind.

Because whose wouldn't, am I right?)

It would surprise no one to learn that Steve Dillon was involved.

Anyway. I'm reading the entry on Marvelman. And there's this:

A recluse astro-scientist discovers the key word to the universe, one that can only be given to a boy who is completely honest, studious and of such integrity that he would only use it for the powers of good." The scientist picks young Micky Moran, newspaper copy boy as the recipient of these powers...

There's more, but it's the "newspaper copy boy" part that gets me. I flash back to all the superheroes somehow related to journalism; Clark Kent and Peter Parker are only the most obvious of many with some connection to the news, usually print news. Stretch beyond superhero stories and you find even more comics protagonists working in the field of print journalism. I'm looking at you, Green Hornet. And you, Spider Jerusalem.

Why?

Besides the fact that journalists sort of have a backstage pass to everything, or at least that's the mystique. Is it the vigilance thing? An estate seperate from established powers that plays watchdog? Surely it's not that simple.

Fiore, you have officially been called into action.

Matt Maxwell has himself a little blog up, and it's definitely a space to watch. It's also the first to step forward and fill that long-suffering, eerily empty "blogs that start with the letter H" category.

Welcome aboard, Matt. Cocktail weenies to your right.

...who gets like ten times the traffic I do. Whatever.

Kevin Melrose is at it again with the Digital Webbing Presents people. He's got a "Bad Elements" story coming up in the next issue, #17, so why haven't you told your store to get you a copy yet? I have.

Here's what's in store from Melrose and Co. in issue #19:

...[T]he issue also boasts a little experiment co-written by Ian Ascher and me, and beautifully illustrated by Scott LeMien (Moonstone Monsters).

The three-page story, called "A Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight," throws together characters from Ian's "Sleight of Hand" stories and my "Bad Elements" series in a case of two hitmen after the same target. It's short, but as I said, it's an experiment -- one spurred by an online conversation with the publisher, who challenged the three of us to tell a complete story in just three pages using members of both casts ... and an explosion. I think we met the challenge pretty well.

I love people taking challenges like that for the sheer bloody hell of it.

...TO ROCK YOUR LAME ASS!

With a trailer.

ITEM ONE: I have not ever claimed I am a reasonable person. I'm not. That's the whole point of the blog: To be unreasonable at high volumes. Nor do you need to get upset and feel personally attacked if you have not been personally named. Believe me, I have no qualms about calling out specific people, Legomancer.

(And I never said the movie was a good idea, either; just that it doesn't require everyone to act like a bastion of their childhood is being raped in the ass by bears.)

ITEM TWO: It just so happens I also think Thor, Ego the Living Planet, and the Flash are essentially very stupid characters too. Nothing about their powers are interesting; all the interesting stuff comes from the person behind the mask (well, except Ego). Green Lantern could be turned into a good, serious movie; I think to do so would require SERIOUS revisions to the character, and we all know how people would react to THAT, don't we?

Basic point: It's not a big deal. Lighten up. If you think it's a bad idea, fine, but I don't want to hear any more of this "hating the genre" nonsense.

You know how Rick got robbed? Well, he bowed to my wisdom and made up a wish list of the DVDs that done got took, so you should head on over and see if you can't help out a little. I did, and I feel so very Christian.

No, really.

...snicker.

ITEM TWO: According to Milo, I am General Dances with Chipmunks, rogue military leader with a thirst for blood and a taste for walnuts. This puts me on par with his rank, and I foresee a fancy power struggle that could be padded out to 6 issues, easy. Who's with me?

Not to put all my gift horses in one basket, or whatever the phrase is, but I have hopes that this will be The Movie That Finally Does It.

(Up to you to figure out what that means.)

So people are up in arms about this non-issue to end all non-issues, Jack Black being cast as the Green Lantern in a comedic take on the character.

It's apparently a big deal. The integrity of the big-green-fists-and-hammers guy is being dragged through the mud because Hollywood Doesn't Care, The Mainstream Shits On Superheroes, and whatever other hysterical overreaction the fan boys are cooking up today.

I'm going to be blunt about this, because there's no other way to break through to panic-struck shrieking harpies: the Green Lantern, as a character concept, is incredibly stupid.

You take a guy. You put a green ring on him. This green ring thing, it forms whatever the guy imagines. (The best he can imagine is fists, usually, or big circles or a big wall forcefield thing.) He charges this magical power ring by putting it into a fucking lantern. A FUCKING LANTERN! He wears a green bodystocking. His weakness is -- I'm sorry, it can't be said enough -- THE COLOR YELLOW.

(By the way, what sense does that make? YELLOW IS A COMPONENT OF GREEN! THE ENEMY OF A SECONDARY COLOR IS A PRIMARY COLOR? JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST! I'm sure there's some lameass explanation for it, and it'll be explained to me in a huffy "pearls before swine" tone, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE!)

His major villain is named Sinestro.

SINESTRO!

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST NAME EVER CONCEIVED BY ANYONE, ANYWHERE, FOR ANY REASON, INCLUDING PEOPLE PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO COME UP WITH STUPID SHIT, SUCH AS LOBO. LAME-ASS COMIC FANBOYS ONLY THINK IT'S COOL BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN HEARING THE NAME SINCE THEY WERE KIDS, SO THEY'RE USED TO IT BY NOW!

This is not the stuff from which great dramatic fiction is made. Sure, it can happen -- but only by making the man behind the magic ring and lantern (snicker) interesting in truly admirable script-writing acrobatics. Basically you have to tack on interesting stuff before the concept becomes one that anyone can stomach for any length of time.

I have seen the responses already. "Oh," say the sanity-impaired in their best snotty tone, "and a story about a guy whose parents were murdered who now dresses up as a bat is so much more realistic and deserving of serious treatment."

Well... not to put too fine a point on it, but yes, you're absolutely right. Batman quite obviously resonates with tens of millions of people spread over several generations; the evidence is pretty obvious and omnipresent. Many, many people know the name Bruce Wayne (or Clark Kent, for that matter), many people who have no connection to comics know exactly what the Bat symbol is. They'd recognize the Joker instantly.

Tell me exactly who gives a blue FUCK about Hal Jordan? And by that, I mean someone who isn't an avid comics fan already?

No one.

There's a reason why:

He's a stupid character concept.

No, this movie will not ruin people for comics. No, this movie is not some grand representation of what The Mainstream Really Thinks About Comics. (Stupid line of thought, anyway. The widestream acceptance of Spider-Man 2 alone tells you the mainstream is absolutely dying for a good superhero story. It's unfortunate comics isn't usually the forum they can get one in.)

I'll tell you what turns people off about comics.

People like YOU whiny, bitchy, blustery, what-are-we-protesting-today bored little dipshits. Clinging so, so desperately to what you just know is right and true for the character, that no other interpretation can possibly be right. And, oh god, a COMEDY? Horror of horrors.

Did Sinestro zap your sense of humor with his Yellow Powers?

I guess the message is this:

LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP ALREADY!

Now shut up.

Probably someone else in the blogo-hive posted this, but, shit. That is some funny stuff.

From Penny Arcade. Duh.

...got robbed blind by spineless slimefucks.

I myself have been robbed, a couple of times, but never to this degree. If you've got a DVD or $10 to spare, why don't you think about helping a brother out?

I was out of town this past weekend. I figured my twin nephews' first birthday was more important than you sons of bitches.

Highly recommended reading: Stranger Than Fiction by Chuck Palahnuik. (Did I spell that right? I have a few of his books sitting 5 feet away, but I'm too lazy to look.) Ol' Chuck's relentlessly dry tone can get weary after awhile, so I recommend reading the vignettes seperately, or at least don't sit and read the whole thing in one or two sittings.

So.

What's been going on?

I caught wind of the Ellis-on-Icon thing. I read about the Aronofsky-on-Watchmen thing. What else's new?

I was kind of surprised that anyone took notice of my little snipes at the "review Eightball #23 or die like a cowardly dog" contest thingy that ADD was running, but Collins took note in his exhaustive and kind of awe-inspiring roundup of all the discussion surrounding said contest.

Here's what he had to say about what I had to say:

The main thing I can't understand about Ken's good-natured ribbing of ADD is why it's apparently unseemly to get so worked up about Eightball but perfectly acceptable to go completely apeshit over, say, Scurvy Dogs. Don't get me wrong--I'm sure Scurvy Dogs is a fun book, but I'm also sure that even its creators would tell you there's a big difference in terms of both execution and intent between a fun pirate romp and what Clowes is doing. This is not unlike the TV critics who sit around bitching about how overrated The Sopranos is, then spend a column on how much they enjoyed America's Next Top Model. I happen to love both shows, but I never lose sight of which one justifies that love more thoroughly.

1) I'm glad Collins understands "good-natured," because ADD apparently does not. In this instance, "good-natured" means "calling someone out for doing something a bit douchey, without making it all personal and saying he should die in the gutter with a dick rotted black with syphillis." When I'm being "good-natured," I'll rib you some, but I'm not going to make childish remarks about your intelligence. Trust me, you will fucking well KNOW when I've taken the kid gloves off.

2) I don't think Collins understands what I was saying. I did not, anywhere, make a sideways remark about Eightball #23, from here on referred to as The Holy Grail of All That Is Comics, or simply THGOATIC. I am not saying it's a bad comic, or unworthy of praise, or whatever the fuck -- I can't make that kind of statement because I haven't read the damn thing yet.

So I'm not sure how it's being read that I think Scurvy Dogs is a blast (it is) while THGOATIC can suck my fat one. I never said that, never made a comparison, etc etc.

(Nor do I have much time for the argument that it is silly for me to love something that is shallow but greatly entertaining while dissing a Work of Great Importance. I don't necessarily lend a story more weight because it's Trying To Say Something; I weigh a story first and foremost on whether it does what it sets out to do well. But that's neither here nor there.)

ADD can talk about THGOATIC as reverently as he wishes to. It still makes him look kinda stupid. If you want to say you think it's stupid that I love a hysterical comic book so much, super; talk to me about it. Comment on it. There's even comments for that! God, I love this country!

So yeah, ADD's sorta being a douche about it, and he opened himself up for all kinds of pot shots. I'd feel a little bad about taking so many shots at him, but then he has to throw in that "axe to grind and double-digit IQ" remark, so I can safely conclude that he earned it.

Hope that clears up any misunderstandings. If not, we can all make a pilgrimage to the birthplace of THGOATIC to seek divine enlightenment.

(Why haven't you bastards entered Rick's contest yet?)

Fuck you.
 
Kisses,
Ringwood

So apparently contests are the new black, this season. You may recall that GREAT LOSERS GIVEAWAY I hosted awhile back, and the DEMO Giveaway that me and a buncha bloggers put together, and now there's some contest about writing a verbal blow job for some Dan Cloves guy or whatever.

But fuck all that noise.

THE CONTEST TO END ALL CONTESTS IS HERE. Rick at Eat More People has surpassed us all.

The gist:

The challenge is for you to write a review of the comic book pictured above – “Hamster Vice” #1, from Blackthorne Publishing. “Hamster Vice” is a well-renowned indie milestone that broke barriers for hamsters in comics. Without this series, hamsters would still be slighted in this medium today. Though if you go through and do a check of the amount of hamsters appearing on the racks these days, the percentage is still at a low level. But things are building, things are growing. If the word of this oppression can be spread, hamsters may one day be treated fairly and equally.

First, the rules:

The review can be any length, in any form, in any language. I prefer English so that I can actually read it. But if you’d like to write a standard review, write one in iambic pentameter, draw one in sequentials, or film yourself doing an interpretive dance of the review...be my guest. Do whatever you want. It certainly doesn’t have to be overly intelligent and overly clever – everyone’s doing that these days. I want something creative and original. Anyone can throw a couple paragraphs of big words together and call it a review.

Everyone is eligible to win, though I’ll probably end up having a bias towards the entrants who have kissed my ass the most lately. Such is the way of the world.

Email all entries to rick.geerling@gmail.com. The deadline for all entries is MIDNIGHT, Central Standard Time, on July 23rd.

CLICK TO CHECK OUT THE FABULOUS PRIZES.

You want to enter. You will be cool if you enter. Your peers on the internet will think you are cool if you enter.

DON'T YOU WANT TO BE COOL?!

Virtual frog dissection.

No shit.

I love the internet.

I dunno, however that's said in french.

Artist Jon Proctor: Most of the comic books I see leave me with the feeling that the cigarette has been smoked down to the filter. Most of them are sorely lacking in passion, artifice, and real human drama. Comics are fighting a losing battle with advertising, television, movies and video games. The rebellious nature that made pop culture the epicenter for creative experimentation is now a runaway train that's jumped the rails. Narrative expressionism is becoming a parody of itself over and over... What do we do about it? Where will we go when all have forsaken us?

This is just some stream-of-consciousness stuff here. Pay it no mind.

1. WHY does everyone take such beef with the Ultimatizing of the Marvel Universe? With the actual process and idea of it, I mean -- what it means for The State of the Industry is an entirely seperate conversation. Why do we act like it's evidence of the ultimate navel-gazing of superhero comics? Why do we decry it so?

Why do we not realize that, as in so many things, comics are just very late to the game? I mean, how many fucking editions of Star Wars are we going to see before Lucas buys the moisture farm? How many respinnings of the Dracula story? Jekyll and Hyde? How about that TV movie adaptation of King Lear set on a Texas ranch? Romeo & Juliet, ya know, is the most ripped-off story of all time. Reimaginings are the bread and butter of the fiction industry; they're sort of an admittance that, yes, there really is nothing new under the sun, so let's just plagarize.

(Yes, I am aware that Shakespeare did not invent the star-crossed lovers theme, but he codified it so no one else would have to.)

I mean, we even had that Baz Luhrmann thing awhile back, Romeo + Juliet, whose sole saving grace was giving us the single "#1 Crush" by Garbage. God, that song never gets old.

Mostly it's that I have a Claire Danes bias. I hate her. Hate her. HATE HER. Every time I saw more than three minutes of My So-Called Whiny Shitty Stupid-Ass Insignificant Whitebread Dumbfuck Life of No Consequence to Anyone, I wanted to smash the TV in with my erection.

My erection of hate.

2. HAS ANYONE EVER REALLY ENCOUNTERED the mythical comic book store of doom? In the basement of some office building, no windows, murky, dusty, comics just laying in stacks? The clerks are just insufferable assholes bent on making your life difficult, etc, etc? I don't want any stories of comic book stores of your prehistoric youth -- I'm talking about stores in existence right now, still in the black, that operate this way.

I ask because it's such an accepted thing that these stores exist, and that they are Killing The Industry (along with, apparently, Mark Millar and trade paperbacks and/or monthlies) in such a dire way by driving away wide-eyed innocents who wish to get into comics.

I call bullshit on that particular myth.

3. OH PLEASE GOD, DROP THE "SUPERHEROES ARE FASCIST" THING. Anyone with half a brain stem and the ability to read critically can see that this argument is totally preposterous and monumentally moronic. The stupidity of the argument is enough to offend me, but not as much as the motive behind it -- the quest for a moral imperative to hate superhero stories. Anyone espousing that lame-ass fascism argument is doing it so they can appear morally superior to folks who enjoy the genre they despise so heartily.

You guys are like the Church of Satan or the University of Auburn. Seriously. You spend your entire existence decrying some other form of art, rather than just seeking out what you dig. You are useful to no one and advance the form of comic books not at all. Be useful and kill yourself on top of someone's compost pile, a'ight?

Look, I can appreciate that you guys don't like stories about dudes who can fly. Great. That's fine. I don't like 800 pages of self-absorbed, thinly-veiled autobiographical accounts of how the author gets nervous talking to girls. And that's fine too. Viva la difference!

But when you get to the point where you tell me superheroes are EVIL for a variety of reasons, that they are in fact corrupting, well guess what? We've heard that song and dance before, Fredric Wertham.

4. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE MEDIA, IN TWO HEADLINES OR LESS: "Study Finds Car Owners Unaware of Defects: Who's Most at Fault?" No, the headline isn't, "what can be done," or even "click here to find out if your car is one with problems." It's "who's to blame?"

I hate you. I hate you and what you do to us. I hate your leading questions that make us more vile and base than we ever should be. I hate stupid shit like that, because it isn't, "we have a problem, how do we solve it?" It's, "we have a problem, who do we point the finger at while making no real progress?"

You sons of bitches make me sick.

5. PASSED A RESTAURANT TODAY NAMED "GUIDO'S ITALIAN SPORTS GRILL." First: what the fuck is an "italian sports grill"? Second: "Guido's"? C'mon, boys, let's stop being coy. Just name it "Wop's" and get it over with.

The weird part about all this is that I'm actually in a pretty good mood today.

WHAT YOU SHOULD BE PURCHASING BECAUSE YOUR LIFE WILL BE FORFEIT IF YOU DO NOT:

Ursula, by Fabio Moon and Gabriel Ba, two of the nicest (and most annoyingly gifted) comics creators in the biz today. From AiT/PlanetLar.

Video, by Stephen R. Bruell, from Lost in the Dark Press. Proof positive that a striking cover can sell a comic book -- and there's even good shit inside!

You have your orders. Leave me.

Everybody loves Street Angel. I love Street Angel. It's a very funny book, very off-the-wall, very strange, very much a good time.

But it's no Scurvy Dogs.

The forthcoming issue #5 marks the end of the current... is it an arc? I'm not sure such words can be applied to this book... and as can be seen from the SPECIAL NEATO SILVER INK cover, Our Five Piratey Heroes have Sold The Fuck Out. And it's all the fault of that messed-up little necklace doctor, Dr. Theopolis.

I hate that bastard.

What we're treated to in result is more reminiscent of the first issue than the ones that followed, going for a series of pirates-invading-primetime jokes instead of adhering to some kind of dread continuity. Ever wanted to see Rooneys Andy and Mickey duke it out in sumo diapers? How about how to garnish your mashed potatotes with shrunken badger heads? Rod Stewart, chugging gasoline like it's the very nectar of life?

If your answer to any of those questions is "jesus christ, no" then you probably wouldn't like this title anyway. Fuck away off.

The showstopper is the full-page advertisement for the piratey game console, the Salty Dog 2000. For ONLY (seven easy payments of) $299.99, you too can have access to games like Type or Die!, Return to Castle Naziface, or Man from O.K.L.A.H.O.M.A. This page made me laugh so hard I think I peed a little. HEY! LISTEN UP! PAYMASTERS OF ANDREW AND RYAN! Turn this page into a POSTER!

(True story: Scurvy Dogs #5 prominently features a certain rap superstar who wears a bigass clock on a chain. Just yesterday a friend of my brother's ends up on a plane heading into Dallas next to said rap superstar, and scores some tickets to the Public Enemy show last night.)

What makes me a sad panda is that this is the last issue of SD for some time. Le sigh. Guess that gives you plenty of time to get the first five issues, huh?