Monday, December 20, 2004

Remember me? 


Let's get started.

1) Thank god for the news, or I would not get my 24 hour update on Lindsay Lohan's whereabouts and purported sex life. Obviously this is important, because why else would every news outlet in the fucking WORLD be saturated with news about this girl? She is a moderately talented actress, yes, but beyond that there appears to be nothing particularly special about her; I know myself to be at blame for this. Clearly I'm missing something.

Because surely this isn't just a publicity mechanism to get her album some improved sales. (And no doubt the album is one that will reverberate down through the generations with its instant-classic status, and certainly not be remembered as just more pop pap released as an obvious, callous cash grab by all parties involved.) Surely the most comprehensive information network this planet has ever seen is not wasted on raging debates about whether some barely-legal redhead has fake tits or not.

Surely not.

1b.) I am told of a circumstance wherein Ms. Lohan's boyfriend dumped her after she stated in an interview she wants to start popping out kids ASAP. It occurs to me that magazines are not the best place for two people to discuss what they want out of their relationship.

It also occurred to me that it would be a fucking blast to have an entirely public relationship, where even the most mundane details are disseminated through the press. I wouldn't make a phone call to see what my hypothetical girl wanted to do that weekend; I'd issue a press release.


Any takers?

2) Let's put a moratorium on using the word "mature" to positively describe a comic, all right? First off, it sounds like you're describing porn, like in this copy of Human Target Christopher Chance is infiltrating a donkey show... and will he be the donkey, or the girl?

(I kid. I love Human Target.)

Second, it strikes me as yet another heavy rock in the kitten-drowning bag that is the comic world's self-esteem. When I see that word used to describe a series or OGN, I get the rather unpleasant visual of some fat, sweaty, near-balding guy wringing his hands while he desperately tries to tell an anonymous Art Critic that "no, really, comics aren't ALL lame!"

It implies the default setting on comics is "Childish."

(I can hear the response already. "Blah blah blah, man-panties, yadda yadda, Marvel fellates the devil, yakkity shmakkity, killing the industry." To which I say: please find a new mode of critique or find a new hobby. We don't need you.)

Unacceptable. There are shit comics out there, certainly, by the fucking ton. But that's true of any popular medium. No need to kneecap ourselves.

3) The phrase "Support Our Troops" drives me batshit insane every time I see it, and that's rather a lot, these days.

It's empty jingoism of the worst variety. What does it mean to "support our troops"? Do you send them money and pictures of your bare ass? Do you carry them piggyback when they get tired of walking?

Hell, what's it mean to NOT "support our troops"? Does it mean you stand on a street corner and yell "TROOPS ARE STUPID" all day? Do you stick bananas in the tailpipes of humvees?

It's an empty gesture and an empty phrase. A meaningless, effort-free exercise in acting better-than. You put your little sticker on your car (or the words up on your place of business to drum up sales from suckers) and suddenly you're a Goddamn American, and you can now safely look down on anyone else who might have, say, a "FUCK DUBYA RIGHT UP THE ASS" bumpersticker on the back of their VW bus. It's like a Members Only jacket, but for retards who confuse shrewd capitalism for patriotism.

4) Picked up the TPB for Kyle Baker's Plastic Man. Was completely underwhelmed. Perfectly capable of accepting the fact that I am an ingrate who does not understand True Artistry, but every single other candidate for Best New Series at the Eisners impacted me more than this. The odd thing is that, for me, a TPB collection of a series is usually more effective than a collection of the series' singles. So it failed on even that account.

What gives?

5) Name me a single comic that got you excited about comics this year. Just one issue. Don't care if it was Identity Crisis or Artboy Coddles His Easily-Wounded Ego, I just want to hear about it. I want to know that the venture was worthwhile, this year.

(Keep in mind this is not one of those kneejerk "the year sucked" kind of comments. I don't believe in lazy bullshit like that. I just want to hear YOUR testimonial.)

So tell me.

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