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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

But will Andy Dick play Sinestro? 

So people are up in arms about this non-issue to end all non-issues, Jack Black being cast as the Green Lantern in a comedic take on the character.

It's apparently a big deal. The integrity of the big-green-fists-and-hammers guy is being dragged through the mud because Hollywood Doesn't Care, The Mainstream Shits On Superheroes, and whatever other hysterical overreaction the fan boys are cooking up today.

I'm going to be blunt about this, because there's no other way to break through to panic-struck shrieking harpies: the Green Lantern, as a character concept, is incredibly stupid.

You take a guy. You put a green ring on him. This green ring thing, it forms whatever the guy imagines. (The best he can imagine is fists, usually, or big circles or a big wall forcefield thing.) He charges this magical power ring by putting it into a fucking lantern. A FUCKING LANTERN! He wears a green bodystocking. His weakness is -- I'm sorry, it can't be said enough -- THE COLOR YELLOW.

(By the way, what sense does that make? YELLOW IS A COMPONENT OF GREEN! THE ENEMY OF A SECONDARY COLOR IS A PRIMARY COLOR? JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST! I'm sure there's some lameass explanation for it, and it'll be explained to me in a huffy "pearls before swine" tone, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE!)

His major villain is named Sinestro.

SINESTRO!

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST NAME EVER CONCEIVED BY ANYONE, ANYWHERE, FOR ANY REASON, INCLUDING PEOPLE PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO COME UP WITH STUPID SHIT, SUCH AS LOBO. LAME-ASS COMIC FANBOYS ONLY THINK IT'S COOL BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN HEARING THE NAME SINCE THEY WERE KIDS, SO THEY'RE USED TO IT BY NOW!

This is not the stuff from which great dramatic fiction is made. Sure, it can happen -- but only by making the man behind the magic ring and lantern (snicker) interesting in truly admirable script-writing acrobatics. Basically you have to tack on interesting stuff before the concept becomes one that anyone can stomach for any length of time.

I have seen the responses already. "Oh," say the sanity-impaired in their best snotty tone, "and a story about a guy whose parents were murdered who now dresses up as a bat is so much more realistic and deserving of serious treatment."

Well... not to put too fine a point on it, but yes, you're absolutely right. Batman quite obviously resonates with tens of millions of people spread over several generations; the evidence is pretty obvious and omnipresent. Many, many people know the name Bruce Wayne (or Clark Kent, for that matter), many people who have no connection to comics know exactly what the Bat symbol is. They'd recognize the Joker instantly.

Tell me exactly who gives a blue FUCK about Hal Jordan? And by that, I mean someone who isn't an avid comics fan already?

No one.

There's a reason why:

He's a stupid character concept.

No, this movie will not ruin people for comics. No, this movie is not some grand representation of what The Mainstream Really Thinks About Comics. (Stupid line of thought, anyway. The widestream acceptance of Spider-Man 2 alone tells you the mainstream is absolutely dying for a good superhero story. It's unfortunate comics isn't usually the forum they can get one in.)

I'll tell you what turns people off about comics.

People like YOU whiny, bitchy, blustery, what-are-we-protesting-today bored little dipshits. Clinging so, so desperately to what you just know is right and true for the character, that no other interpretation can possibly be right. And, oh god, a COMEDY? Horror of horrors.

Did Sinestro zap your sense of humor with his Yellow Powers?

I guess the message is this:

LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP ALREADY!

Now shut up.

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