Monday, June 07, 2004

A blow-by-blow account of the Best News of the Day. 

Creed breaks up.

(Will's response: "So I guess there is a god. What a great day to be alive.")

Which I find via Shane. Who finds it via Augie.

The article in italics, my response in ... regularese:

"The biggest rock band of the past decade has broken up."

FUCK. YOU. Biggest rock band of the past decade? According to who? Balding, ponytailed record exec's in their early 40's? Note to idiots: record sales do not properly represent a band's importance.

""We had gotten together two or three times and nothing happened," Tremonti explained. "We got our instruments and played, but neither of us was taking it seriously. We were just running in circles. There wasn't a vibe like on the previous records. It felt very joblike. We knew that it would take us years to get a record out.""

Translation: We realized we are FUCKING HACKS producing the same tired, uninspired, let's-rock-out-but-bear-a-positive-message "rock."

Fuck you, Tremonti. Rock isn't positive. Rock isn't about holding arms wide open, or bringing your baby daughter out on stage. That shit may sell with the Disney FM crowd, but the rest of us want to string you up by your quasi-mullet and take potshots at you with flaming scalpels.

Rock is about snorting coke off a dead underage hooker's nipple while your guitarist glues the maid to the ceiling in your fucking hotel room.

"The animosity apparently began to churn two years ago, while Creed were promoting 2001's Weathered on a tour that Tremonti and drummer Scott Phillips described as long and grueling."

Cry me a fucking river, Phillips. There are a hundred thousand bands who would sacrifice their mothers to Satan to get the kind of deal handed to them that you guys did. Those people will work half their lives and scrape the money together month after month for the privilege of doing what some record exec handed to you, because you happened to fit the Trend of the Week and were unthreatening enough to appeal to a wide audience (of morons who want unthreatening rock.)

"Among the ventures that Stapp was exploring was a clothing line called Screamline and forays into acting."

No comment necessary.

"The pinnacle of Creed's problems took place in Chicago in December 2002. Whether Stapp was inebriated or simply sick, as he had claimed, his performance was so terrible that some members of the crowd sued the band for sucking."

I never quite figured out how to feel about that particular lawsuit. I mean sure, it was funny. If I were the judge I would've laughed. Probably if I was the lawyer who got chosen to prosecute, I'd giggle and say "sure, fuck it, why not?"

On the other hand, these people paid money to go to a Creed concert, and then bitched about it sucking. That's kinda like going to a Jimmy Buffett concert and complaining about how you kept running into your dad's friends all night, isn't it?

Maybe these people finally figured out, that fateful night in 2-oh-oh-2, that they'd been paying a lot of money and devoting a lot of time to really shitty music. They were confused. They were angry. They were perhaps a little scared. They wanted their goddamn money back for being brainwashed.

At the same time: fuck 'em. What do you want, a disclaimer on Creed tickets that says "WARNING: WILL GRANT ADMISSION TO A CREED CONCERT"?

"To the workaholic Tremonti this wasn't acceptable, so he figured he'd vent his creative juices in a side project.

Although the speed-metal-minded Downshifter never got off the ground (Tremonti had envisioned working with Hatebreed's Jamey Jasta and Slipknot's Joey Jordison), just the mere thought that his songwriting partner would apply his talents elsewhere bothered Stapp.

Oh, man, we completely missed the comedic album of the year right there.

"Whether you loved them or hated them, Creed had always inspired strong sentiments in anyone who heard their music. Tremonti and Phillips just want the band's contributions to be recognized.

"When Creed came out on the radio seven years ago, there was a lot of poppy radio music," Tremonti said. "I think 'My Own Prison' was the first song [in a long time] with a serious tone and a message behind it. After that, a lot of radio programmers started programming more serious-sounding rock and roll, and I think that's what I'm most proud of. Creed perhaps opened the doors for some other bands who may have had a message."

I'd comment on this, but I'm afraid I might break my keyboard in anger. There's so much being said here that's TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FALSE I wouldn't know where to begin, just... RRRRRRRRRRRRR!


Breathe, Ken. Breathe.

""Even if you loved us or hated us," Phillips emphasized, "remember us.""

No. Fuck you. I will not succumb to what you and I both know is your last stab at immortality. You're goddamn right I hated you, you and everything you stood for, you and everything you ushered in and allowed, and the ability to write you off completely (after already ignoring your increasingly even-by-your-standards poor ejecta) is a welcome one. Languish in obscurity, asshole.

Anyway. This would have been better if it had happened at the height of their career, but... one horribly shitty overinflated worthless drivel-merchant band down, 700,000 to go.

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