Sunday, May 02, 2004

Strike up the band. 

I have returned from the depths of Alabama a wiser man.

Lessons learned:

1) Bacon Egg n' Cheese Biscuits from McDonald's were shat directly from Aphrodite's Rubenesque ass onto my breakfast plate. They're just that good.

2) It doesn't matter what city you're in. Dance clubs, after about 20 minutes, are really fucking boring.

3) Nothing. There is no third thing.

(Name that quote!)

4) Also, no matter what city you're in, there'll be some stupid local law about having a "membership card" of some type to be able to drink. Said card takes approximately 3 minutes to get: You just have to fill out a card that has all the information already on your driver's license and hand it over to some bartender who could give two shits. Then you're a member and you can drink.

5) Protestant weddings are boring, but at least they're short.

6) Farts are like children: everyone else's can go to Hell, but yours are special.

7) Have hope. Sometimes that hot chick you think is way out of your league will approach you, all nervously and cutely, and strike up a conversation.

8) Denim jackets have got to go.

9) If you live in a town with a lot of ugly women, and you're wondering where the balance of average-to-hot women is, look no further than Birmingham, Alabama. Jesus. Yeah, a lot of them have all the wit and tact of a bag of rocks, but they are very nice to look at, and they have that accent thing going. Don't say anything too smart, because the resultant tilt of the head, the slow southern-lilted "Whaaat?" and quizzical smile all together go from charming to completely fucking maddening in 10 seconds flat.

10) Bill Hicks never stops being funny.

I'll be back on later with a review of Codeflesh and, I dunno, a picture of my balls or something.


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