Monday, April 05, 2004
CHECK BACK MONDAY FOR RESULTS!
The time has come. Enough hints, enough innuendo.
THE GREAT LOSERS GIVEAWAY has now begun.
Here's the deal: the DC Vertigo book The Losers, as written by Andy Diggle and illustrated by Jock, is an absolutely fantastic title that sells abysmal numbers, even for a Vertigo title. Not enough people read the book, and if it were to fall under the cancellation knife, I would become so distraught that I'd be forced to massacre entire tax brackets.
And we can't have that. Hence, THE GREAT LOSERS GIVEAWAY is born.
Here's the deal: I, as well as Shane, Johnny, and Kevin, would very much like to get more people into this fantastic book. But screaming about it on our blogs is not going to be enough, is it? So the next step is logical: GIVE THE BOOK AWAY FOR FREE.
Which we'll be doing. Except just giving the books away is no fun, is it? No fun for the readers at home (you). So we've made a little contest of it.
HERE'S WHAT WE WANT:
Between now and 12AM CST, Saturday, April 10th, I want YOU (the reader at home) to send in a brief but colorful blurb telling me why YOU are the biggest loser in the universe. It shouldn't be hard. You read comic books and blogs. You're already halfway there, buddy.
That's right. I want you to humiliate yourself for our sick pleasure. You heard me. Give me anecdotes, give me general summaries of the worthlessness of your existence, give me graphic descriptions of that time your mother-in-law walked in on you shaving the dog, nude. (You're nude, not the dog.) Get as creative as you like, but DON'T JUST MAKE SHIT UP -- we have very potent bullshit detectors/anti-personnel mines. And we know you value your ability to walk upright.
But you won't be doing this for nothing, oh no. There will be prizes. Because this is THE GREAT LOSERS GIVEAWAY, remember? And just what are those prizes, you wonder?
Well, I'm glad you asked.
FIRST PRIZE receives a copy of The Losers: Ante Up, the TPB collecting the first six issues, AS WELL AS The Losers #7, #8, #9, and #10, all lovingly bagged and boarded. That's right. THE ENTIRE RUN OF THE LOSERS UP TO THE PRESENT DATE. Hey, you think you're excited? FEEL THESE NIPPLES!
SECOND AND THIRD PRIZE is a copy of The Losers: Ante Up, so you can get yourself a taste of what this fantabulous title has to offer, and (if you're sane) wander on over to your favorite piece of Direct Market to pick up the rest of the titles. That would be super.
FOURTH PRIZE will recieve the first two issues of another underappreciated gem, DC's The Monolith. That particular title is only two issues in, which, for those of you doing the math, means you'll be brought right up to date JUST FOR TELLING ME WHAT A LOSER YOU ARE! They're even bagged and boarded. Excuse me while I change my pants.
FIFTH PRIZE will receive the first two issues of yet another underappreciated title, Image's Sword of Dracula. That one's only three issues in, so you'd be damn near up to speed, wouldn't you? And GUESS WHAT! These are also bagged and boarded. Wow. Do I rock or what?
There's only THREE RULES for this contest, kiddies:
1) Losers virgins only, please. The idea of this giveaway is to snare NEW fans, whose lily-white genitalia have not yet experienced the pleasure.
2) Only one entry per person. Keep in the spirit of giving here, folks. Don't make me start breakin' kneecaps.
3) Be funny. If you win, your shit's going to be posted, so that the world may laugh at you. Make it worth our while.
So there you have it. DROP ME AN E-MAIL (and be sure to put "LOSERS" somewhere in the subject line) and tell me why you are the biggest loser in the universe, and you may snag yourself some steamy, throbbing prizes.
You have your orders. MOVE, soldier!
ADDENDUM: I have enough "I'm still a virgin and I'm 27" e-mails to last a lifetime. I do not want lists of suicide attempts. What I'm looking for here is comedy -- the sort of embarassing incident that was bad at the time but good for a laugh later on. Tell me your wackiest stories. Embellish, if you have to (every good storyteller does.) Just no more depression festivals, please.
(Once more, many thanks to Shane, Johnny, and Kevin. Give them some love, people. They're saints in sinner's clothing. Or is it the other way around?)