Monday, April 12, 2004

GREAT LOSERS GIVEAWAY Runner-up: The Disgusting 

(Real winner-losers can be found here.)

This pretty much speaks for itself:

I haven't heard of these comics before (sorry!) but I'm more than willing to share my terrible terrible shame! The potential of winning a prize for it is only a bonus!

To fully appreciate the abject my abject loserdom you have to picture the dorm room that I lived in last year. My stolen microfridge contained only an opened can of sprite and globs of dirt (no one knew how it got there, but I certainly wasn't going to clean it up). I had what I assume would be considered as nice hardwood floors by people without my unusual condition. You see, I shed enough body hair to put most breeds of small dogs to shame. Coupled with my chronic aversion to cleaning supplies this made for quite a spectacular site to behold. One would open the door and the slight rush of air would send actual tumbleweeds of pubes happily bounding across the floor. I would always snootily maintain to my friends that it was simply accumulated body hair from my manly physique and hoped no one would give the offending "pube-bunnies" the even cursory inspection required that would reveal their true greasy brillo pad-esque nature.

I nearly got away with my deception too, as everyone living on my floor was eager to believe anything but the most outrageous lie regarding the origins of the grime on my floor or for why I needed to buy a new printer after my old one clogged with 'dust'. However this was forever spoiled during one particularly hurried masturbation session (my roommate had learned early in the semester to knock before coming in, but I still preferred to streamline my methods rather than deal with the akward silences aftering yelling 'just a minute!' and bumbling around trying to close the cascade of porn pop-ups, each for a darker taboo than the last, that would inevitable spawn when I tried to navigate away from incriminating web sites). Several droplets of man-brine escaped the loving non-judgmental embrace of kleenex...and landed right on my class syllabus for a tough required course I was taking.

I didn't know anyone in the class and was too shy to ask the professor for another one so I would know what the assigned reading was, so being the frugal person (read: disgusting bastard) that I am, I simply used some scissors to cut out several squares where the syllabus was most-damaged. Now, I'm pretty proud of myself. I got to ejaculate and my syllabus is still mostly readable (except for the readings due for week 3, but its not like I need a GREAT grade for the class). So all in all, not a bad day! However, in my hubris I left the syllabus on my desk where a group of my friends discovered it, looked from the damp spots on it to me to and then to my ever-present tissue boxes strategically placed near my computer and somehow connected all the dots. Bastards.

While I think I've become a little more controlled in my habits since then (by not leaving important documents within the embarrassingly small striking distance of my sperm) I'll always hold the title of "biggest loser in the world" in the eyes of my friends.

That's my true story! Thanks for taking the time to revel in my shame!

-Adam Eisenhut

Holy shit does that guy suck.

But I've been learning all kinds of valuable new expressions ever since I started this giveaway, phrases such as:

"I drank like a country music star."

And "pube-bunnies."

And, of course, "I got fanny fucked by four feet of floor."

Thanks, guys.

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