Tuesday, April 13, 2004

GREAT LOSERS GIVEAWAY Runner-up: The Unfortunate 

(Real winner-losers can be found here.)

This particular letter takes a little bit to pick up steam. There's some crap in here about getting a degree to be a band director, which is pretty fucking loserly, but it's not going to get you any comics (or even get you marked for murder when the revolution comes.) I skipped past all that and got to the meat of it.

The Guy Who Gets Hit By Things:

Reason #2: I've been hit hard in life. I've been hit by lightning, once thank god, a motorboat while I was in a canoe, and by a car while I was blindfolded. Why, you ask? Because I just have a bad luck life, I guess.

Lightning, wow. I was in boy scouts, I was 12. I tried to save a tent that blew over in a thunderstorm and when I was racing over to save it, BAM there it goes and now I was blind for 5 minutes and deaf for 2 hours. That's great. It sucked a whole lot, and you don't get to remember a lot, but just be glad you haven't been struck (if you have, damn man I feel ya, I do.)

And then there's that time at a church camp I was hit by a motorboat. Wielded by a LIFEGUARD. Keyword: Life. Guard. And she was driving so fast her bow was up and couldn't see us in time. She struck our canoe full force and I was underwater, attatched to the canoe, and I had to unstrap my harness and swim over and get my friend out to make sure we were ok. Can you believe it, a lifeguard in a lake almost killing us? Well I can.

And well, at that same camp I had to do a blindfold test to test my faith in other Christians, and well, I let go of my friend in front of me up a hill because he kept leading me into rocks, and I ended up almost roadkill because I let go and walked into a street. Not knowing of course you were near A STREET kind of sucks when you're blindfolded at church camp, but I hope they changed the route now for this faith-building adventure. Damn, I can't believe that.

The Son of Man has a sick sense of humor.

I still think the lifeguard part is the funniest. That's something out of a Farrelly brothers movie, pre-Say It Isn't So.

But wait! There's more! Same guy:

I'll tell ya something else too. I am still technically virgin though I attempted INTERCOURSE. I dunno how it works, but one time, after I graduated high school, my friends attempted to get me laid with a cute girl. She didn't tell me her age and I was 18. We fucked like rabbits but I never came and she didn't either. Miracles of the first time I guess, but we were both close the whole time. Well, after a while we realized both of us couldn't satisfy the other, so we ended it. Did I mention that we did the act in a senior citizen mormon people's house while they WERE ON VACATION?!?! Isn't that great, even though we didn't technically ever reach our limits, we did it in a house that reveres Joseph Smith. I don't have anything against mormons, but it was just what we had availible! Besides, I guess old people quilts feel good when you're doing it. Haha, but anyways.

-Josh Geary

"I guess old people quilts feel good when you're doing it." Holy SHIT, I think my spleen just ruptured from laughter.

Anyway, when I get to that part about the "house that reveres Joseph Smith," I imagine this anthropomorphic house with a white shirt and black tie praying to Smith like he were Mecca. While people fuck to zero fruition, inside of him.


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