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Monday, April 12, 2004

GREAT LOSERS GIVEAWAY Runner-up: The Improbable 

I don't know if I believe this entry or not. I don't really care, it's a pretty entertaining story. If nothing else, the guy would have spent a lot of time making shit up to win some comic books, so, more power to him.

I present to you the first of the Best of the Rest in the GREAT LOSERS GIVEAWAY. These are the people who get all the humiliation of a prize winner, but without any actual prize to claim for it. Tee hee!

(The real winner-losers can be found here.)

Here goes:

It happened during the middle of exams... I was still living in Waterloo at the time and received a phone call from my parents in Brampton.

They told me that FedEx had a package here for me.

I gave them my standard response of "sign for it, open it, and tell me what it is."

But for some odd reason the package was being delivered with express instructions that only I could sign for it.

My name, my address, etc was listed on it.

I wasn't expecting a package so I asked where it was from. It turns out the package was coming from a Nelson Kelley in Belize City, Belize.

Not only was I not expecting a package from there..... I don't even know who Nelson Kelley is, or where Belize is.

I asked what the customs documents said it was under the assumption that they usually have to indicate the contents, but apparently it was blank.

I then made sure that it wouldn't cost me any money to accept the package since I don't even know what it is.

When I asked whether they could deliver the package to me in waterloo, I was told that yes, they could, but there would be an extra $10 charge.

Since I didn't even know what the package was, I thought it would be more interesting to let the suspense build and asked if they could hold it until I get back in 3 weeks time, which apparently they could and would do.

In the meantime, my dad was apologizing to the FedEx guy for this taking so long -- but I'm not really sure how quickly you can deal with a package directed to only go to you when you're not expecting it and not in the same city.

Anyways, the FedEx guy leaves a number he can be reached at to deliver the package when I get home and drives away.

10 minutes later the excitement begins.

The police show up at my parents door with a search warrant.

Apparently the package contained $40,000 worth of cocaine... evidently shipped using my credit card. Street value of aforementioned cocaine in Canada: $500,000

The police searched my room, taking everything apart and looking through every random piece of paper.

Meanwhile, my parents phone me back to tell me what was in the package.

As you might guess I was rather surprised by the contents.

My parents asked me, "were you expecting half a million dollars worth of cocaine to be delivered?" to which I could easily answer "uh...... no? As in very much no? As in...... what the heck is going on?"

It also turned out that the FedEx man was not actually a FedEx man but instead an undercover police officer. The entire thing was a sting operation meant to catch me collecting my cocaine and then counting it or whatever people do once receiving a lot of it.

Had I been at home I would have been arrested.

The police had discovered that the package contains cocaine at the border and then taken the package from FedEx saying, "don't worry.... we'll handle this one."

While the police were still searching my room, my sister got home and my parents explained the situation to her.

Not too surprisingly, she didn't believe them. Especially considering one of my cousins had recently married a police officer. As such, she thought it was his car and that they were playing a joke.

To "help" with the joke, she shouted out "don't worry...... I'll lie for David!"

The police upstairs searching my room heard this and decided that it might be in their best interests to speak to my sister.

In the meantime, the police ask to speak to me over the phone. Apparently they want me to come in for questioning, but since I'm in the middle of exams I can't really leave waterloo.

The police ask me some simple questions......

Police: "Is this your cocaine."
Me: "No."
Police: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Quite sure."
Police: "Do you know anyone else who would have ordered a whole bloody lot of
cocaine and delivered it to your house?"
Me: "Well...... there's always Bob, and he said that..... I mean.... no."

Never joke with the police.

Fortunately I actually just said no to that last question instead of the line above.

After speaking to me and searching my room and such, the police began to doubt the fact that I had indeed ordered the cocaine.

Even if I were stupid enough to order a lot of it, I certainly wouldn't be so stupid as to pay for it with my credit card and have it delivered to my house under my name.

I always would have thought that cocaine would be a cash business really......

I mean, I don't see them as going, "just swipe your card please...... ok...... now sign here....... thank you......... ok, and here's your cocaine."

I also checked my credit card bill online and noticed that yes, there was not a $40,000 purchase listed at a store called Cocaine 'R Us or equivalent retailer.

Not that my credit limit would have covered it anyways.... but better safe than sorry.

Anyways, over the weeks that followed I found out more information, and apparently had I been willing to pay the $10, they would have come to Waterloo and arrested me there.

My being too cheap to pay $10, my not having drugs or drug-related paraphenelia in my room, and my sounding confident over the phone with them together convinced them of my innocence. One would think that someone would be willing to pay $10 to receive their $500,000 worth of cocaine.

Apparently the cocaine had been delivered in a large picture frame where by removing the back the cocaine could be accessed.

Anyways, a few weeks later still I received two bills from FedEx. Firstly a bill for $230 or so for shipping the cocaine.

And secondly, a bill for $21 for customs on the cocaine. Personally I would have thought that the customs fee would be slightly higher for a product of that value.... but who knows these days.

I'm still contesting the charges to my credit card with the credit card company.

And I think that about covers my story.

Isn't that about the craziest story you've ever heard?

My mom actually received two odd phone calls earlier that day. Both said they were from FedEx.

One said, "Have you received a package? One may have been wrongfully delivered to your address, and if so we can come and pick it up."

The other said, "Sorry, we were unable to change your shipping address."

-David Held


More to come.

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