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Tuesday, March 16, 2004

The Ringwood is Always Right. 

So have you ever seen those hideous, hideous Quizno's commercials? The ones with the hedgehog-things playing guitar and singing about Quizno's, with flapping human mouths and high-pitched Chipmunk-esque voices? Ghastly, aren't they? Even if I were hungry, hungry enough to contemplate slaughtering infants for their tender meat, that commercial would convince me that Quizno's is never, ever, EVER, ever, EVER EVER, the place to go. Not even if they were giving it out orgasms with their sandwiches. For free.

That's how bad the commercial is.

I remember seeing it, and I speculated out loud to some of my friends that I thought this was Quizno's trying to be hip and capitalizing on the Random Comedy Flash movies that have been sweeping the internet for the past couple of years. You know what I'm talking about. Guy gets a nonsensical song with random, meaningless lyrics, slaps together a sequence of equally nonsensical Cut & Paste images -- say, a sumo wrestler with Jamie Lee Curtis's head, which sounds funnier than it is -- to play along with the song in some semblance of a music video. And that's supposed to be funny.

Turns out I was right.

These people are responsible for the Quizno's ad.

Oh! Look how eccentric we are! We take some weird song with about five lines of lyrics, repeat it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER, while we have, I dunno, a picture of a puppy playing guitar to it.

Or, I know! We'll spice it up by having these animated clipart pieces sing a song that has dirty words! If a puppy playing guitar says "cock" about 50 times in the span of 2 minutes, it'll eventually get funny and not look like the obvious stunt that it is, right?

Here's the best part: We just have to use that formula forever. Stupid song with repetitive lyrics, some kind of animal singing in a Chipmunks voice and, I dunno, riding a pickle, make them say "fuck," and you have comedy gold. With that formula, you can generate one of these comedic gems once an hour! How can you go wrong?

It's fucking GENIUS!

Except it's lame and contrived. Advice: Being completely random is not comedy. If that were the case, total schizophrenics would be entertaining troops at USO shows.

Get fucking jobs, douchebags. Real comedy takes discipline, timing, and an intrinsic understanding of human nature. You're shameless copycats, aping formulas you don't understand all the while patting your backs at how 'clever' you are.

Fuck you and die.

(I think maybe I'm tired.)

(Credit -- or blame -- to my buddy Ruth for pointing the site out to me.)

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